Words are powerful tools. In fact, both written and spoken words are the necessary components in accepting forgiveness.

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• Sincere and thoughtful usage of language, with the intent of taking responsibility with associated consequences, combined with the intent of healing, is the definition of an apology as it relates to a marriage or relationship.

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An effective apology is not only medicine for a hurtful mistake, but its success is a function of sincerity, thoughtfulness, and intentionality. Furthermore, an effective apology takes effort and time and should never be carelessly thrown together as it could create more harm than good.

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Components of an Effective Apology include:

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• Acknowledgment of mistake or marital offense

• Sincerity

• Empathy – a walk in the victim’s shoes

• Demonstration of Regret

• A plan to remedy the mistake (consequences).

• Maturity – the acknowledgment of your shortcomings and imperfections

• Request for forgiveness

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The best apologies are well-thought-out, meaning they take time to compose. Effective apologies are written but can be verbal. So, the point here is to not spew a hodge-podge of words and thoughts that lack direction. Any victim will detect insincerity and lack of regret almost instantly thereby making a very bad situation even worse. Furthermore, although an effective apology takes time, do not procrastinate in getting the task accomplished; make it a priority. Again, taking too much time to accept guilt and present a plan to correct a bad situation can make things worse. Ever heard of “Too Little Too Late?”

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Below is a sample outline of an apology. When it’s your time to write one, use it as a guide. However, take the time to make it your own so it reflects your personality and circumstances. Remember Joan and John from our discussion on Grace and Forgiveness? Allow me to refresh your memory:

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• Example: Joan was beyond angry with her husband, John. Earlier in the day, Joan received a call from the bank and she was informed that several of her checks had bounced due to “insufficient funds.” After confronting her husband, Joan found out that John had withdrawn $1000 from their joint checking account and went to the local casino whereby he lost the entire amount.

• Outline of an Apology from John to Joan:

• Acknowledgment of mistake: Joan, I am so sorry for withdrawing $1000 from the bank and gambling our money away.

• Empathy: I realize you must have felt shocked at what I did. I know I created unnecessary pain and distrust in our marriage.

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• Regret: I am truly ashamed of myself and my actions. I can imagine what you are thinking because I am disappointed in my actions.

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• Plan: To help remedy my mistake, I am going to get a second, part-time job, to repay our account. Furthermore, I am going to go to a Gambler’s Anonymous Meeting tonight to help discern if I have a problem with gambling.

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• Requesting forgiveness: Please forgive me. I am far from a perfect person. I did not mean to cause you or our marriage pain. I am committed to making this right. I love you.

Remember to refer to the Speaker/Listener/Resolution Review Cards (See button below), in helping you to guide a verbal apology. Either way, verbal or written, an apology, if executed with thought and sincerity, is the beginning of a conversation that will bring about understanding, healing, and growth.