We have a tool, in our relationship tool box, that is sometimes underused or ignored altogether. Matter of fact, most cannot even comprehend its power. As with all tools, some degree of practice is needed with the purpose of becoming skilled with its usage. Some might even call this tool a shield of protection. Others may boldly declare it a weapon. I use it to define boundaries for myself and my family. Whatever the intention, value this tool, learn how to use it, and stand strong when initiating it.
What is this powerful tool? Simply, it is the word “No.”
Many times when my husband and I were mentoring couples we heard excuses from each half of a couple regarding family and individual priorities, meddling in-laws, or children that dominate a household. My husband would often address the very large elephant in the room: “Why didn’t you just say NO?” The responses were generally deafening. Crickets. This was sometimes followed by “We tried, but we were ignored.” Then more excuses.
Below are examples of “No!” from my marriage. Make no mistake, using this tool took practice, not to mention inner-strength and tenacity. Recipients of this word initially would reject it, believing it was a one-time event. However, with repeated use and steadfast firmness of intention, the use of the tool will be understood and respected.
Silent Night
It was a wonderful Christmas day. Our kids were young, the outside was blanketed with a fresh covering of snow, the roast was in the oven and my mother was visiting for the holiday weekend. I loved my mother dearly, but she had a character flaw of being overly critical to the one’s she loves. Harsh in fact. My mother, didn’t realize the hurt she created. Or she didn’t care. Once her opinion was established, it rarely changed.
That Christmas afternoon, my mother began her critical offerings of me. It was one thing after another. The breakfast cinnamon buns were overly sweet. My hair needed a trim. The base of the lamp had a ring of dust surrounding it. My children were watching these encounters. My husband could not help but notice. My mother’s comments turned a day of celebration in to an environment of walking on egg shells.
Then my husband stood-up and made a statement. “Jane, Ellen may choose to overlook and roll with your criticism. However, when you criticize the mother of my children, in front of those children, it becomes my business.” Then he ended his statement by stating if she continued with this type of behavior, she would be asked to leave. I gasped. My mother was silent, for a while anyway.
Then as if she misunderstood or fundamentally didn’t comprehend my husband’s “NO” ultimatum, my mother re-started her critical commentary. Without missing a beat, my husband stood-up, calmly walked to the closet to retrieve my mom’s coat, grabbed his car keys and firmly stated it was time for her to leave. Then he made the silent four hour round trip drive to take her home.
My mother and I did not speak for nearly two months.
During that break, I believe my mother did a lot of soul searching. She did not apologize, but she did think before she spoke limiting her critical commentary. She understood that when my husband said “NO” or “NO more” he meant it.
The following Christmas was very different. There were established boundaries. And there was joy.
My mother is no longer living. However, the last years of her life there were boundaries in place that resulted in respect and love. The year before she passed, she shared that she was sincerely respected my husband and the way he protected his family. She knew that I had married a man of strong character. She loved him too.
Batter-Up!
My husband and I place enormous value on having dinner together as a family most evenings during the week. The dinner table is a place where concentrated family communication takes place. This is where you discover what is impacting your children, what is happening at school, and where worries, fears, and curiosities are discussed. I cannot express to you the value of this time. It is time whereby potential troubles and setbacks can be averted. Most importantly, your children will seek the insights and advice directly from their parents rather than placing confidence in the opinions of classmates or individuals that don’t have the best interest of the child front and center.
Beware, there are perceived innocent circumstances that begin to challenge this precious time together as children begin elementary school. What are they? Extracurricular activities!
Please know I do not have issues with soccer, football, swim lessons, music lessons, or ballet. What I am trying caution parents against is the quantity of these activities. Although tempted by permission slips casually tucked into a child’s backpack, colorful informational postcards mailed to your home, or community enrichment catalogs chock full child activities, you need to fundamentally protect dinner table time.
My husband and I did this by saying “No” to more than one activity at a time. Essentially, it was soccer OR piano, swim OR football, dance OR karate. At the beginning of the next calendar cycle, our children could decide to switch to a difference activity or stay with the same. With multiple children, each participating in an activity, it was a struggle to protect dinner time. I can’t imagine the stress it would create if each child participated in multiple activities.
Peer pressure also crept into our lives. Friends of our children would ask them to join them in an activity. This was acceptable as long as it was limited to a single sport or program.
And yes, my husband and I had to lovingly say “No” to our children when they wanted to participate in multiple activities.
And yes, dinner time would fluctuate depending on the day of the week and the activity. Sometimes we ate 6:00 PM, other times 8:30 PM. However, we almost always broke bread together, talking, sharing, and advising.
Today, as adults, my children reflect on the limitations my husband and I enacted. And, yes, they are appreciative. We are a very close family. Both our son and daughter still find it important to talk with each other even though they are hundreds of miles apart. They recall family activities, candid conversations, and times of reassurance. These memories, most likely, would not have occurred if my husband and I would not have wielded our tool of “No.”
Again, the power of the word “No” is an amazing tool that will prioritize your family goals, simplify your life, and create boundaries to shield your home from distractions and potential harm. Be warned, some will not understand and may disapprove when you use this amazing tool. However, if you persist and remain steadfast, acceptance will come.
Be strong!
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