Last weekend, I met with a small group of friends at a coffee shop to catch-up after the holidays. Individually we have different backgrounds, careers, and interests, but the common thread that is the conduit between us is our children. We share openly about their triumphs and setbacks. We lean on each other, craving quick-fix advice to help calm the sometimes-choppy life lessons of parenthood.
I was sharing that both my son and daughter were home for the holidays and that they are each other’s best friends. They Skype with each other regularly and have a standing weekly phone call where they share life’s happenings. My daughter sees her brother as a protector, advisor, and confidant. My son leans on his younger sister to help understand a women’s perspective as it pertains to dating, vents to her knowing that she too will be honest and constructive, and knows whatever is shared stays securely with her. They have a bond that is reinforced by trust, respect, and love.
As I was sipping my coffee, one of the mothers inquired how did I teach my children to “like” each other as her children constantly taunt one another and seem not to be interested in each other’s lives. I was unsettled by her admission. Furthermore, I did not have a direct, easy-to-fix solution for her. I guess I had taken for granted the sibling bond my children have with each other.
This question of “How do you make siblings like each other” hi-jacked my thoughts for the next few days. Then I realized that raising my children was a direct extension of my marriage. Of course, my husband and I don’t always agree. Certainly, there are times we exchange words or views that have elevated passion. However, even though our union is far from perfect, we anchor our relationship with trust, respect, and grace. Essentially with the ebb and flow of life’s circumstances, my husband and I always have each other’s backs. This is exactly the foundation of the relationship between my son and daughter.
When my daughter needed further explanation regarding a Calculus problem, my son was the first person she would consult. When my son needed an extra set of eyes to make certain a term paper was top-notch, he would seek the editorial eye of my daughter. When they experienced setbacks, they would lean on each other, providing reassurance and advice. No matter the situation or geographical distance, they watch out for each other. Just like mom and dad.
Where did my son and daughter “learn” this type of sibling support? Essentially their relationship classroom is our home and their teachers are their parents. They watched how my husband and myself would resolve conflict with love and respect. They witnessed the art of the apology and the act of forgiveness. Moreover, they observed first-hand the care and focus Gene and I provide each other when we were ill or healing from an injury. The overall lesson they have learned from us is that we always had each other’s back. We sacrifice for each other. We trust one another. And we exercised the act of grace and forgiveness without keeping score or holding grudges.
The lesson that I learned from this revelation is that my children, even before they could clearly communicate, were watching and learning how to build strong, successful relationships from the actions of their parents. As we taught them how to build strong relationships, some couples we know may have unconsciously taught their offspring to be self-centered, scorekeeping, grudge-holding, non-communitive one-half of a union.
I know this may sound harsh. However, I am just trying to provide caution and insight into how parents affect how their children navigate relationships, either as a child or an adult. The bottom line is this: how you steer your marriage can provide amazing life lessons for your children or create emotional baggage for their future relationships.
For example, if one parent demonstrates a lack of respect towards their spouse, it is likely their child will exhibit this same type of behavior towards others. Furthermore, if you and your spouse don’t effectively communicate, the likelihood of your child expressing themselves successfully is low.
Take note – your children are watching. Be a positive role model and teacher for their future.
For help learning to build a marriage based on Sacrifice, Trust, Respect, and Grace go to www.twoheartsinlove.com.
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