Women, we have been prewired. Essentially, we are nurturers by nature and teachers by talent. By these classifications, most of us are programmed to be mothers in heart and in mind. Is this a bad idea? Of course not! However, although your motherly intuitions are preprogrammed, you must consciously turn them off or disguise them when you are fulfilling your roles as a wife.
Many times, when my husband and I would be observing how a couple communicates and relates to each other we would witness almost a parent/child relationship.
> Example: Sue was angry that her husband Ben did not pay attention to her. Instead of listening, Ben did the polar opposite of her requests. “I told him to buy a cherry pie, but instead he bought coconut cream pie!” Now Sue spent the afternoon indirectly lecturing her husband about listening and asking permission. Ben, felt as though he was being treated like a toddler.
> Example: Jill and her husband Jared have talked about improving their eating habits with the goal of getting healthier. When Jill spotted her husband indulging in a cookie, she lectured him for 10 minutes on making good choices. Jared felt as though he was a child being admonished by his mother.
- Treating your spouse like a child, or assuming a parent/child relationship, kills the romance in your relationship. Trust that your husband is an adult and knows right from wrong and associated consequences.
Instead of being a parent model for your husband, consider:
- Being his cheerleader; applaud his accomplishments and overlook any missteps.
- Being his best friend; listen to him, without judgment.
- Being his partner; join him in helping accomplish his goals.
- Being his hand-holder; Encourage trying new things while providing a no-judgment environment.
- Being his lover; finding enjoyment and release with intimacy.
When a husband has admitted to an affair, the question the wife always wants to be answered is: “What did SHE do for you that I did not?” The response generally revolves around the other woman did not treat him like a child, but encouraged him and listened to him.
The message is obvious – don’t be a mother to your husband. This means:
- Discuss decisions, do not “tell” your husband what to do.
- Don’t admonish, instead applaud accomplishments (even the small ones).
- Don’t be judgmental; let him know you have his back.
- Take the time to enjoy each other physically.
The result of this is a true partnership, where you both appreciate and lean on each other. Truly, it is bliss.
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