Got Lemons? Make Lemonade!

My telephone has been ringing, chiming, and buzzing much more than usual lately. Couples that my husband and I have helped in the past, friends, and readers of my blog have reached out expressing frustration with online learning in regards to their children. The first day of school 2020 should have been a day acknowledging the end of summer and the arrival of autumn as our kids return to routine and accountability of classroom education. In other words, for nearly six hours a day, the cherubs of our life are out of our hair. As parents, this is a time to exhale, re-center, and return to a rhythm of near predictability. Calm.

COVID 19 has redefined education for our children. For most, there is zero or limited classroom learning, a “fly by the seat of your pants” lesson plan, and a flimsy daily structure for our youngsters. In other words, chaos, and frustration. This situation is difficult for kids and having a stressful toll in households. And in our marriages too. In addition to fulfilling the many roles of a parent, we now have to wear the hat of teacher and educational IT support. In our well-intended efforts to guide our children, the individual roles and responsibilities of each parent have blurred. As a result, anger and resentment have ensued with our spouses.

We are not only at “war” with a virus, we are at “war” with each other. And our expanded roles as a parent is one of many reasons for this caustic state. This is a situation that can be minimized, if not eradicated if both parents sincerely commit to household harmony during this unexpected situation. We need to be calm, establish and communicate clear and reasonable expectations, and establish a routine of predictability and reliability.

Ok, here we go.

First, be calm.

When a couple is preparing to become parents, in addition to a “Welcome Baby” gift of newborn essentials, I always inscribe in an accompanying card a useful piece of advice I learned first-hand: Calm parents equal calm baby. Infants, children, and adults nearly always react to an environment charged with anger and frustration. Babies cry. Children whine and have tantrums. And adults become argumentative and spew thoughts that they often regret. A tranquil environment encourages purposeful problem solving, an exchange of useful dialogue, and most importantly doesn’t escalate an already challenging situation.

Essentially-

When a computer problem arises, stay calm.

When a child whines and throws a tantrum, don’t react.

When a spouse becomes frustrated, don’t engage. Instead, initiate a 5-minute break and re-establish peace.

Second, establish and communicate reasonable expectations.

This starts with a strategy that is developed, agreed upon, and initiated by the parents. This is not a fleeting or spontaneous assignment, but one that establishes a framework of routine, assigns individual responsibilities, and establishes that each parent must “have” and respect each other’s back. This plan takes time and effort, is written, and has the child’s success at the heart of it. Not the parent’s convenience.

Expectations for the child should be clearly communicated and also written-out for them. The plan should outline when the day begins and ends, quality of work, and that there are consequences for poor work or lack of effort. It should also include praise and rewards for accomplishment.

Routine.

Kids thrive in a well-established and predictable routine. This means learning begins at the same time each day. Students should be dressed as though they are going to a classroom – proper attire, teeth and hair brushed, and a clean and uncluttered work area. That day's schedule should be obviously posted for the child to refer to. Essentially the “home” classroom should mimic a traditional learning environment. This includes expectations of behavior too.

Also, it is imperative to have a constructive and candid relationship with your child’s teacher. He or she can be a valuable resource of tips, ideas, and solutions when a child is not thriving. Encourage an online support group with your child’s classmate’s parents. An exchange of ideas, with active problem solving, can do wonders. Remember and embrace that you will succeed with this mission. Frankly, you have to. Our children’s education is too important where “failure is not an option.” Seriously.

My daughter attended an elementary school where the sixth-grade teacher did not place importance on quality, comprehensive mathematics instruction. My husband and I realized the detriment of this and the long-term impact it could potentially have. Together we embraced the situation, created a plan, and communicated how the situation was going to be remedied, over the summer break, with our cherub. You guessed it, she was NOT happy.

Together, my husband and I communicated the God made us parents to make difficult decisions for our children. We promised that the math plan we developed was not going to dominate her summer vacation.

So the routine began. On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 8 am to 9:30 am Emma was positioned at the kitchen table where I introduced a math concept for the day. I explained. She listened and practiced. The rest of the day was hers. And day by day, week by week she excelled. Mission accomplished.

Did Emma enjoy studying math during the summer? Not really. But she respected her parents and our decision. My husband and I made it reasonable. We made it fun. And she was rewarded for her spirit, diligence, and positive attitude.

Fast forward to present day. Because of COVID 19, my daughter is completing the first semester of her junior year of college online. Is she happy about this? No, of course not! However, she is accepting of the situation. She has a routine, is committed, and is making the best of a less-than-ideal situation.

Parenting is not easy. Online learning is one challenge that both parents and children must embrace, even reluctantly. Trust me, as mothers and fathers,

you will face even more complex trials in your child’s future. It’s why God created parents - to handle the tough stuff.

It’s time to take lemons and make lemonade.

You can do this. Now, go flex some parental muscle.