Occasionally, I am going to write about types of stress that can cause destruction in your relationship. Today’s stress flavor-of-the-month: MOVING.
Stress is a fact of life. There are everyday stresses such as rush-hour traffic, paying bills, keeping-up with your kids’ schedules not to mention the pressures and demands of your job. Throw in a global pandemic to life’s typical hurdles and now you’ve gone from stress to chaos and crisis. No matter how organized and calm you may be, stress can eat you up. And yes, affect the one you promised to love and cherish for the rest of your life.
As recent empty nesters, my husband and I determined that our home was too big for just the two of us. We essentially lived in three rooms of our house – kitchen, family room, and bedroom. Sometimes we would venture into our formal living or dining rooms, but it was rare and mostly to vacuum and dust. We even had closed the heating and cooling vents to our daughter’s and son’s bedrooms as they were rarely home. And my husband, the overly practical one-half of our union, thought it was a good idea to list and sell our beloved home at the very peak of the real estate market.
Mini Stress #1: Making the decision.
Yes, we are empty nesters. Yes, our home is far too large for just two people. Yes, it was a seller’s real estate market. And yes, my husband had less and less time (and desire) to keep-up with the routine maintenance that comes with home ownership. The logical reasons for selling made total sense. However, what always trumps logic and practicality is emotion. This was the home where we raised our children. This is the place where we celebrated birthdays and major holidays. This address is where my children learned to ride two wheelers, started kindergarten, finished high school, and were photographed for Homecoming Dances and Senior Proms. Essentially, our two-story colonial with, green trim neatly positioned on a cul-de-sac, was center stage for almost all of our family milestones, good and bad. The thought of selling and leaving made my stomach hurt. However, my head convinced my heart that it was time.
Mini Stress #2: Going generic.
We contracted with a realtor to market our home. After signing papers to initiate the sale process, our agent matter-of-factly dictated that we depersonalize our home, paint all walls beige or dove grey, and remove any hint of family memories. So the process began of removing all family photos, all color from the walls and decor, and removing much-loved pieces of antique furniture that the realtor ignorantly deemed “old” looking. What was left after “the cleanse” was essentially a dove grey box vacant of personality and color. I felt uncomfortable in my own home. It felt unfamiliar. I was unsettled.
Mini Stress #3: Come one, come all.
The For Sale sign was positioned out front. It was official, our home was on the market. At any given moment my phone would chime alerting me to a showing request. After accepting a request, I would generally have less than an hour to make the house look perfect, grab the dog, and vacuum myself out leaving behind perfectly straight lines in the carpet. Any plans I had during this time were scuttled as I took the dog on a long walk at the park or parked in a nearby grocery store parking lot listening to talk radio while the place I called home was being judged. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt as though I could not “live” in my home as at any moment I would have potential buyers intruding in to my life. I kept reminding myself that this would end. Hopefully soon.
Mini Stress #4: The dance.
We had an offer. Now, the dance of back and forth negotiations started. We gave a little, they gave a little. We agreed on a price. This entire negotiation process took nearly ten days after the initial offer. Each time my phone chimed, my agent communicated more and more requests from the buyer. Some queries were reasonable, others were not. I did not want the deal to fail, but I was getting irritated. I clearly communicated that I was done with negotiations. Finally, earnest monies were exchanged and papers were signed. A closing date was determined. A move was now reality.
Mini Stress #5: Now where?
So, I guess we are moving. But where?
After many long walks in the evening, my husband and I decided that eventually we hoped to live in a warmer climate. However, his career is in Michigan. Further, he does not want to consider retiring until after our daughter graduates from college. So we agreed not to buy a home at the time, but to rent.
We looked at homes and condos for lease as well as apartments. We agreed on a particular condominium that seemed to address most of our needs. During all of this we kept hearing about an illness sweeping across China and parts of Europe – Covid 19. Within days the threat of the Corona Virus was genuine and immediate – people were getting sick, many were dying, and the US economy was in a tailspin. During this time of unknowns, my husband did not want to sign a lease or begin packing-up our house until it was assured we were actually going to complete the sale of our home. Three realities became apparent: The buyers could cancel the purchase of our home, we could lose the condo we wanted to rent and we would be forced to pack-up our home after the closing date, in just a handful of days. Many real estate contracts were being cancelled as unemployment began spiking and financing become unavailable.
Mini Stress #6: We closed!
Hands gloved, mouths and noses hidden by masks, my husband and I signed the paperwork that officially sold our home. The address I had called home for the past twenty-five years was no longer ours. Now we had 5 days to sign a lease for the rental of the condo where we were going to live, pack-up our things, and move.
Mini Stress #7: Did I mention we moved during a pandemic? What does this mean?
Essentially, moving during a pandemic means no help. By the grace of God I found a moving company willing to move us, but my husband and I had to do all the organizing and packing ourselves. Further mixed into the confusion was an emergency road trip to pick-up our daughter from her college that had closed because of Covid 19.
I would wake-up early in the morning organize our stuff into three piles: keep, donate, and throw-out. When my husband was done working for the day, he would join me. As a team, we managed to pack and move in only five days!
During the packing and moving process, I had to say “Good bye” to items I dearly treasured. I tempered the emotional vacuum by the cliché that my loss was another person’s gain. The last item, my beloved antique dining room set sold to a young couple, just married and transitioning into professional careers. You could plainly see the sparkle in the buyer’s eyes as she clearly valued the mahogany wood, detailed carvings, and bit of whimsy in the upholstery of the chairs. Money was exchanged and they loaded their new treasure in to the back of a pick-up truck and an old Chevy Suburban. I overheard her say to her husband that she never dreamed she would have a dining room set like this and she was already planning the family Christmas dinner. I smiled.
Mini Stress #8: Moving Day.
The movers were late. When they arrived, I arranged the three men in a single line instructing them of the rules: Twice an hour they are to wash their hands, they are to wear gloves and masks at all times (which I provided), and they are to adhere to the social distancing guidelines of six feet when possible. They looked at me as though I was from Mars not quite understanding my instructions.
I reminded them that there is a pandemic and people are dying. They didn’t blink.
I pointed to a house down the street where a person succumbed to Covid 19. They didn’t blink.
Finally, in my no-nonsense motherly tone I said: "Just do it!" And they lined up and scrubbed their hands.
Eight hours later we were moved. It wasn’t pretty. It was somewhat organized. And the dog and cat seemed calm. I’ll call the day a success.
The lesson here is to take the enormously stressful task of moving and to break it down into manageable pieces or mini stresses. Your mind, heart, and body can adapt and problem solve small hurdles much more easily and successfully than a large one. Treat your spouse as a true partner. Discuss plans. Communicate feelings. Strategize a plan together. As a couple, when you work together, with common goals, most stress can be minimized or overcome - even in a pandemic.
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