Our family has “codes” or unique phrases that make us stop, pay attention, and act. My husband and I use them. My kids have them. Our family understands the power of these catch-phrases and the reaction they cause. We use them sparingly. And we only pull them out and speak them when it’s truly imperative.
It’s an eleven.
There were many nights, lying next to my husband, that I could not sleep. In the nighttime silence of our bedroom, I could detect that my husband routinely stopped breathing – just for a second or two. Then he would cough, stir a bit, and resume sleeping. This pattern would happen many times a night, every night. Sometimes if the breathing would cease for more than a second or two, I would gently touch his hand whereby he would then resume breathing until the next cycle. I became sleep-deprived and scared.
Over breakfast, I mentioned my observations regarding his sleep patterns. I suggested he consult a physician thinking that a sleep study may be prescribed. He listened and then rejected my opinion. “I feel fine,” was his standard remark followed by “I am a quiet sleeper, you just can’t hear me breath.” I knew that going to a sleep clinic to be professionally evaluated, was not his idea of a great time. I understood that being wired with sensors while being monitored by a series of cameras seemed intrusive. But instinctually, I embraced the seriousness of the situation – even though he did not. After being rejected, a second and third time, I was forced to use my secret weapon.
“Gene, I love you. On a scale of 1 to 10, this is an eleven.” The man I cherished, knew what this phrase meant. Furthermore, he grasped how scared I was. That morning he called a physician and scheduled a sleep study.
To summarize, the study revealed that Gene stopped breathing more than 400 times during a four-hour period. He was issued a CPAP machine, fitted with a mask that he found remarkably comfortable, and the two of us began to sleep each night peacefully and contently.
The phrase It’s an eleven are words I have only spoken twice during our marriage. Gene has vocalized it a couple of times too. This phrase, rarely uttered, means STOP! Hear Me! I am not going to abandon this issue! If you love me and respect our marriage, you will honor my request. It is followed by little, if any, discussion. It is always acted upon.
This is our code.
Mom, can we get some coffee?
I was preparing dinner when my daughter walked into the kitchen and asked me to join her for a cup of coffee at her favorite refueling spot. Immediately, I stopped what I was doing, turned off the oven, grabbed my jacket while heading out the door. Over coffee, my daughter was asking for support concerning a decision she had made. She expressed that during her junior year of high school she did not want to participate on the school’s track and field team. She shared that academics were paramount to her and that her AP schedule was very demanding. She felt that track, a sport she had participated in since middle school, was too much of a distraction from her studies. She concluded that she did not have time for both. After hearing her concerns and realizing she approached this conclusion in an analytical and mature way, I blessed her decision.
My daughter always wants to go out for coffee to talk about important decisions as well as to seek advice. I know when I hear the request Mom, can we get some coffee? she is asking for my undistracted time and attention. I also realize she is grappling with an issue and wants to be heard without interruption from cell phones or other family members. So, dinner was nearly 90 minutes late that evening. However, the bond between daughter and mother had never been stronger.
This is my daughter’s code.
Life is Peachy.
My son and daughter share a code too. When the words “Life is Peachy” shows-up in a text on one another’s phone, it is a direct message that they need advice, assistance, or just a sounding board. It is only sent when there is a dire need or emergency. Like their parents, it is rarely used and always respected. Directly it means “help.” Indirectly, it communicates “I got your back.”
Yes, siblings have codes too that act as lifelines for challenges as they navigate the transition from teenager to adult and beyond.
My advice is simple: establish codes between yourself and the ones you love. Pay attention to them. Respect them. And act. They are amazingly powerful tools that succinctly and effectively grab your attention. Most times it is human nature to be reluctant to ask for help. However, using a “code” signals the listener that something serious is at hand and needs attention. Stopping what you are doing and silencing your cell phone tells the speaker that they are the priority. This action establishes a bond of love and trust while heading-off life’s pitfalls or even serious dangers.
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