Did you miss me? I took the summer off and spent time with my cherubs who were home from college for the summer. Additionally, I worked with a web designer to upgrade and improve Twoheartsinlove.com. Take a look. It’s still a “work in process” while final tweaks are made with the goal of making the “site” easy to use while embracing real-life content and reaffirming that a STRONG marriage is not necessarily perfect.
During the month of August, my children returned to college. My daughter is completing her senior year in upstate New York, while my son started medical school in Michigan. Honestly, I feel blessed. My kids are healthy, truly love learning, and have bright futures ahead. They have lofty goals, most importantly of which is contributing to the greater good by positively affecting their communities. Yes, I am one proud and relieved mama!
“Relieved” you are most likely questioning? Indeed.
Once the new school year commenced, my daughter’s school’s parent forums erupted in an avalanche of questions and concerns. Here are some paraphrased examples:
My freshman son has been on campus three days and has not made any friends! Help!
My daughter saw a mouse running down the hall of her dorm. I’m disgusted and calling the school president.
I can’t believe there’s no air conditioning in the dorms. This is unacceptable for the money we’re paying!
My son / daughter claims the washing machines are broken; all his / her clothes are pink after laundering.
First, let me say in no uncertain terms that I do not minimize loneliness or discount that some people, young or otherwise, find it challenging to develop friendships. I, too, am a reserved person that find it difficult to make small talk which seems to be the prerequisite for getting to know someone.
The above acknowledgement aside, my impulse is to question if parents sincerely prepare their children for the transition to independence. Or do parents secretly not want their kids to be self-directed and independent? Or perhaps parents, consciously or unconsciously, do not want to surrender control of the lives of their offspring? Ouch.
Ok, put your darts away. I really do not want to be a target for your disapproval. If I touched a nerve, do not expect an apology. However, if I gave you pause to “check yourself” (see a prior blog post “Sometimes You Need To Check Yourself”) give yourself a pat on the back. Mission accomplished.
The role of the parent, in my opinion, is that of a teacher, mentor, and of course, a source of unconditional love. As children gain life experiences, which include occasions for personal problem solving, filters for what is true, honest, and just, and lessons of empathy, their foundations for independence, morality, and compassion begin to develop. Essentially, if a child is not provided opportunities to choose, solve, and love independently from their mother’s or father’s oversight they will be unprepared for the peaks and valleys that assuredly will come with adulthood.
Now, of course, parents need to provide guidance and opinions. However, there is a difference between ruddering and controlling.
When my daughter was five years old, I took her shopping to select the perfect holiday dress. I fell in love with a selection that included ruffles and lace. It was everything I thought a Christmas dress should be: traditional, plaid, and chock-full of sparkle. However, my very opinionated kindergartener clearly expressed with crossed arms that she did not agree. I struggled to put my “wants” aside so that she could express her opinion. And choose she did– a dark green, almost back, velvet frock that was absent of lace and ruffles. As a parent I could have forced my will and purchase what I deemed perfect. However, instead, I decided to let my daughter know that her opinion was valued. I empowered her and she ran with it. This situation was the beginning of her becoming a young lady that is not afraid to express an opinion and exercise decisiveness.
Understand and embrace that small lessons, commencing from infancy to adulthood, are cumulative and foundational.
Let’s return to the concerns expressed in the college parent forums:
Parents try to avoid managing your child’s friendships. Friendships are developed, not instantaneous. Your kids will find their tribe. Trust me.
Mice happen. When the weather transitions from summer to autumn, small pests look for warmth. Doors that are innocently left ajar are invitations for critter pilgrimages.
Furthermore, if my son or daughter called home complaining about mice, my response would be “So, how’d you solve this?” Hopefully their response would include ideas such as keeping doors closed, storing food in sealed containers, and purchasing a mouse trap or two (I recommend the sticky types).
And most importantly, don’t call the school complaining. They have larger problems to solve including keeping our cherubs safe from COVID. Truth be told, my children have forbidden me to call their schools complaining about anything. In their words, if it’s important to them “they will take care of it.”
When I attended college, eons ago, air conditioning was a rare luxury. By rare, I mean almost never. Somehow I survived, and so will your cherubs. Being uncomfortable, for small windows of time, teaches lessons of survival while building empathy for those where indoor cooling is nearly nonexistent. Think soldiers serving in the Middle East.
As for laundry, allow your children to take ownership of household chores. As soon as my kids could recognize colors they helped me separate laundry into whites, darks, and colors. As they grew, they were taught about the significance of water temperatures as well as the “do’s and don’ts” of additives, including bleach.
Here’s my point: allow your children to mature. As years pass and life lessons become building blocks for their future, begin taking baby steps away from managing your kids and let them build wisdom.
Teach and prepare them. And remember they will make mistakes. However with your guidance, they will grow from them.
Remember, love comes in many forms. Stepping back and letting go is one of them.
Be chill.
XOXO!
Comments