This post was inspired by a friend. He shared that he is frustrated. While all his contemporaries have found that special someone to share their lives with, he has not. He is living his life alone. Without purpose. Without joy. He is adrift.
He’s not a bad guy. He has the usual inventory of traits – healthy, sense of humor, morality and yes, a job. He even attends church every week faithfully. He has dated, but rarely has there been a third date. He has reflected on his situation and has come to conclusions that include timing, lack of interests in common, even faith differences.
So why is John unsuccessful in finding his true love? Because he has self-determined who and what will be the perfect mate for him. Essentially, John uses a “list” to ascertain whether someone is worthy of his “time and investment. “ His words, not mine.
John determines if someone is worth his “time and investment” within the first minute or two of an encounter. Again, his words, not mine.
John’s list is lengthy and very specific. It includes things like height, weight, hair color, and education. After pressing him, he admitted to additional items on his list that define if they were previously married, if they have debt, as well as very specific religious philosophies among other things. He has tried meeting women at work, church, through friends, and yes, online. He has failed at all the aforementioned.
Is John and his methods in finding a life partner unusual? If we are honest with ourselves, we all have lists. Mine was very short and included things like non-smoking and good hygiene. I placed more value on getting to know someone, learning about their life goals, morale compass, and overall values. These are individualities that cannot be discovered within a minute or two of meeting someone, but evolve when getting to know a person over a period of time.
Furthermore, I did not approach finding a life mate the same way I initiate purchasing a new automobile; presented with a list of options whereby I could easily check a box for the ones I wanted, leaving choices like “parallel parking assist” left unmarked (I am an ace at parallel parking). Essentially inanimate possessions lacking a heartbeat, a soul, and a moral compass typically don’t require a “get to know you” phase. Humans do.
Also, I never went on a date with the goal of finding a husband. My emphasis focused on meeting new people, engaging in conversations, and learning more about myself. Rarely did I have a terrible evening. Moreover, with every relationship – long or short- I would reflect and learn what about a person was truly important to me. And superficialities never made the inventory.
I remember after my husband and I married, he shared that a close friend of his was puzzled about our relationship and commitment to each other. Why? Because I am slightly taller than then the love of my life. Today, twenty five years later, my husband and I chuckle about the absurdity of this rationale. And the person who made this observation and comment? Divorced and unhappy. Yep.
There’s no magic trick or perfect strategy in finding love. However, I can assure you it does not start with lengthy and superficial lists. If you find that you aren’t checking the time on your watch or phone multiple times during a date and at the end an outing you feel good about yourself, it’s a clue to invest more time in to getting to know someone better. Not complicated. Fairly simple.
As for John, he will remain stuck and unhappy until he changes his philosophy about dating. His “list” is preventing him from finding love. And he never considers if a potential match may have their own lists and how he may be considered less-than or inadequate.
Open your mind and heart. Your will sincerely learn more about yourself and what you are searching for. And you may find love alone the way.
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