TWO HEARTS IN LOVE

Rule #1: Remove, Turn-off, or Shutdown Any Obstacles.

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Effective communication in its simplest terms means “to understand.” This may sound easy and matter-of-fact, but in reality, it is challenging and requires practice. Furthermore, there are everyday obstacles that are present in our daily life that derails quality communication.

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a If you truly want a harmonious relationship with your spouse, you need to embrace that these obstacles exist and commit to removing them from any future conversations or attempts at communication. 

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Otherwise, not only will your efforts not be effective, there is the potential they will be damaging to your relationship.

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m Technical Obstacles to Effective Communication:

• Your cell phone.

• Your computer or tablet.

• The television.

• Other (You fill in the blank).

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m Low-Tech Obstacles to Effective Communication:

• Children – yours or others.

• Tasks

• Newspapers or Magazines

• Other (You fill in the blank).

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a When the person you promised to honor and cherish, for the rest of your life, is trying to communicate something of importance,

remove all obstacles until the entire conversation has ended.  This means, silence and pocket your cell phone, sleep your

computer, turn off the television.  This does not mean to “mute” any electronics, it means “off.”  Moreover, save important

conversations until the kids are in bed (or not present), tasks are completed or paused, and news media is back in the magazine

rack.

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m Example: Pam had something on her mind. She wanted to talk with Sam, her husband, about a suspicion she had regarding their 7-year-old son, Chase. Sam was reading the Sunday newspaper when Pam initiated a conversation about having Chase tested for a learning disability. Sam’s eyes never left the newspaper and she was acknowledged by “uh-huh” and an occasional “tsk” and “he’s just fine.” When the conversation ended, Sam continued to read his paper.  Nothing was resolved. In fact, Pam left the room frustrated as she felt unheard and not respected.

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I guarantee, that when obstacles are not active and a hinderance, you will experience thoughtful and productive conversations.  If you dismiss this rule, you will experience ineffective communication resulting in misunderstandings, partial comprehension, and frustration.

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Rule #2: Never argue by texting, messaging, or email. Never ever.

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Productive communication requires the presence of your senses, especially sound, sight, and touch.  Essentially, this means conveying information needs to be exchanged face-to-face.

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a To truly listen to someone, you must hear the inflections and emotion in their voice.

a To truly listen, you must see concern, fear, or even joy in their eyes.

a To truly listen, you must be close enough to touch one another so that you can physically signal each other that you understand – the wiping away of a tear, arm around a shoulder, or even a kiss.

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Now, I realize that because of individual circumstances, you cannot always have conversations in person.  However, when life-changing, serious, emotionally charged discussions take place, it needs to be initiated and completed face-to-face.  Schedule conversations if you have to.

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Rule #3: Do not procrastinate.

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First, I must tell you, no one likes difficult conversations. Yes, they can bring about anger, frustration, and fear.  However, realize that these reasons for avoidance will not lessen with time.  In fact, they will generally intensify when tough conversations are delayed.

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a Challenges can be resolved relatively early if you address them when they materialize. Essentially, discuss situations when they are “pebbles,” before they become “boulders.”

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Rule #4: Take difficult conversations outside of the home.

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Anytime you have a difficult, potentially charged, conversation ahead, it’s a good idea to take it outside the home to a neutral area.  Your home should be your sanctuary, free from potentially explosive and damaging exchanges.

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a Taking a difficult conversation outside of your home, keeps your home a neutral zone.

a Taking a difficult conversation outside of your home, usually keeps tempers under control.

a Taking a difficult conversation outside of your home, protects children from hearing inappropriate information.

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Is this a guarantee that things won’t get out of hand?  No.  However, if this rule is used in tandem with the other Communication Rules discussed, a lot of damage can typically be avoided.

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Rule #5: Use the Speaker / Listener / Resolution Method

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The Speaker / Listener Method is described fully under Speaker Listener.  In its simplest definition, this method of communication provides a step-by-step process that encourages successful listening and understanding. Furthermore, if used correctly this method of communication focuses on being succinct and clear while conducting a potentially heated exchange of words in a safe environment that prompts effective listening.  Generally, when the Speaker / Listener / Resolution Method is correctly used, individuals are heard, understood, and acknowledged whereby compromise and problem-solving can be initiated.

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Rule #6: Abide by the Achilles Rule

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An Achilles’ heel is a deadly weakness, in spite of overall strength, that can actually or potentially lead to downfall.

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An emotional Achilles' heel is a personal vulnerability that can cause unnecessary pain.  Examples may include incidences from one’s past, previous relationships, one’s stature, sexual issues, career setbacks, family conflicts to name only a few. 

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When a couple is in conflict, it is not uncommon that one or both partners utilize the knowledge of each other’s Achilles Heels with the unintentional or intentional purpose to “one-up,” “put down,” or punish the other.  The result can cause permanent damage to the marriage, loss of trust, and overall hurt and anger.

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When a couple is in conflict, rules of interaction with the intent to reach resolution need to be outlined, understood and applied.  The Achilles Rule is no exception. 

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Again, the goal is to resolve conflict in a respectful way that will increase understanding, promote compromise and overall strengthen the relationship.

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m Exercise: Know the Achilles Heels of your mate and stay away

a Individuals can have one or several Achilles heels.

             

Each half of a couple needs to individually list 3-5 of their own Achilles heels. Using the Speaker/Listener method of communication, the husband and wife individually express their Achilles heels to each other.

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m Example: “It hurts me when you bring up_________________________________.

m Example in action: “It hurts me when you bring up my previous relationships before meeting you.

m Example: “It makes me sad when_______________________________________

m Example in action: “It makes me sad when you remind me that my hair is turning grey.

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It must be understood by the couple that it is illegal to use or even hint at, each other’s Achilles Heels when in conflict.  Furthermore, it must be understood that by using an Achilles Heel, a husband or wife is consciously trying to hurt the other.

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a Achilles heels are off-limits when in conflict.

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Ok, read the rules? Commit to embracing them as they are your keys to successful communication.  Now, let’s learn to use our words succinctly and effectively using The Speaker / Listener / Resolution Method of Communication.