Yesterday was Halloween. The holiday of costumes and candy was somewhat different this year because of the pandemic, but somehow we figured-out a safe way to host trick or treaters and social distance at the same time. We had a plan. We adapted. Was it the best Halloween I have ever experienced? No. However, the evening involved candy, kids in costumes (lots of Baby Yodas), and plenty of sweet words of appreciation. The very next day, I slide behind the steering wheel of my car, pressed the ignition button, and the sound of Christmas music enveloped my rolling purse. My stomach immediately twisted while I reflected that the holidays were fast approaching. So much to plan, so much to do. Then I remembered that the next handful of weeks don’t have to be a time of over-commitment, long lists, and disappointment. Yes, I said disappointment. I have learned, over the past twenty years or so, that it’s okay to say “no” (see blog post “The Power of NO!” link below), set limitations, have reasonable expectations and when things get overwhelming take a breath and delegate. Now , mind you, these weren’t lessons I learned overnight, but with time and the realization that Christmas does not have to be perfect. Also, my need to do everything with excellence needed to take a back seat to my family’s sanity. Yes, with my desire to create a Norman Rockwell Christmas, I was making my family crazy. And exhausting myself. The holidays had transitioned from merriment, family, and friends to tasks, commitments, and lots and lots of work. Sadly, I began to resent the months of November and December. Here’s how I got my JOY back with some nonfiction events that encouraged personal change while allowing me to reassess priorities. Take heed of my lessons learned. In the weeds. It was three days before Christmas and my two cherubs had fevers and severe chest congestion. Nothing life-threatening, but my kids felt miserable and needed mom at their “beck and call.” Everything else had to wait. When my husband arrived home from work, I dashed-out to the pharmacy to purchase more cough suppressants before the store closed for the evening. Minutes before I left, I exclaimed to the love of my life that I was really in “the weeds” regarding Christmas. I had not wrapped one single gift yet, let alone completed all the necessary grocery shopping for impending family dinners and scheduled get-togethers with friends. Here’s where I need to inform you that I received a ticket for making an illegal left turn into the pharmacy parking lot. The officer was unforgiving and didn’t have a festive bone in his body. Yep, I was issued a $175 moving violation three days before Christmas trying to purchase medicine for my children so that they could sleep peacefully through the night. Grrrrr. Anyway, when I returned home, medicine in hand, my holiday spirit was depleted. As I entered my home my husband had started a fire in the fireplace, pushed most of the furniture to the outside perimeter of the living room, brought all the Christmas wrap, boughs, and ribbon up from the basement, and opened a bottle of Merlot. Waiting in the center of the room was a mound of unwrapped gifts ready for attention. For the next several hours we wrapped gifts, enjoyed wine, and laughed until our sides hurt testing-out Rock ’Em-Sock ’Em Robots. The lesson learned: Sometimes you (or someone else) need to push a restart button to stop a downward spiral while allowing joy to re-surface again. My husband realized I needed help and stepped in establishing an environment of calm while helping to create a cherished memory. Hail Kimberly Clark! When my husband and I married, selecting the perfect china pattern was equal footing to almost any other important decision regarding our big day. Well, almost. The marketing behind this very important decision focused on “how” people need to celebrate food-centered holidays, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s all about formalities and impressions. Essentially, important celebrations should have expensive and proper plates, bowls, and cups. Otherwise, in the opinion of fine china manufacturers and Martha Stewart, it’s not a true, memory worthy event. Nonsense! When I started to embrace the notion of simplicity, I made a radical decision one Christmas. I was going to use paper plates instead of my formal place settings! I realized this was not the “greenest” decision, but as a mother, recovering from surgery, with two young children, I was breaking with tradition and going rogue. Initially, my husband was shocked by my decision. But then, he realized the brilliance and progressiveness behind it. Gone would be the scraping of plates, handwashing of fragile cups and saucers, and the “fussiness” of the entire event. Frankly, this decision proved to be liberating! Did the food taste any different? Nope. Were children on equal footing with adults? Yep! Were invited dinner guests disappointed? They didn’t appear to be. The lesson learned: Ditch any pretentiousness and give the fine china a rest. Let simplicity rule and enjoy the day of celebration. Let go! I’m a list maker. I live in a world of color-coded Post-It notes that act as silent cues to keep me current and on schedule. My husband mocks my organization as “over the top.” But he does admit I don’t forget much (if anything) and our household “hums” like few others. When something is not organized I am unsettled. A few years back, I looked at my post-its and realized that it was impossible for me to accomplish all the tasks that were inscribed on my 2x2 sheets of paper. I felt defeated. But then my son asked how he could help. It was at this time where I realized my oldest cherub was not a boy anymore, but a young man with a driver’s license. With this realization, I detached 6 of my paper reminders and handed them off to him. Grocery shopping, taking the dog to and from the groomer, and retrieving dry cleaning were just some of the tasks included on those notes. My son responded, “no problem, I got this.” Seriously, I felt as though 50 pounds were immediately lifted off my shoulders. Then in another bold decision, I handed a few “notes” to my husband. The love of my love enthusiastically grabbed the pieces of paper and disappeared for a few hours. My daughter volunteered to decorate and box Christmas cookies, a task she was more than happy to accept. As for myself, I enjoyed a cup of coffee and read the newspaper before I completed my tasks. That evening, my cherubs, the love of my life, and I piled in the car and enjoyed hot chocolate while touring holiday light shows. The lesson learned: Family and friends are generally more than willing to offer assistance if asked. Simplify your life by accepting aid. The above stories offer just a handful of lessons that I have learned to simplify and allow joy back into my life. I had to realize and embrace that others can competently accomplish tasks that were fixtures in my routine. Perhaps, their methods and outcomes were slightly different than my own, but the relief I felt as well as increased opportunities for fun and relaxation made any differences a tradeoff bargain. The bottom line is this: I still organize although I have traded Post-Its for electronic tools. Most importantly though, I have simplified my life and accepted help from others while utilizing the power of “No!’ The spirit for the holidays has returned for me and I can think of no greater gift. Happy Holidays! Peace, Love, and JOY!

My telephone has been ringing, chiming, and buzzing much more than usual lately. Couples that my husband and I have helped in the past, friends, and readers of my blog have reached out expressing frustration with online learning in regards to their children. The first day of school 2020 should have been a day acknowledging the end of summer and the arrival of autumn as our kids return to routine and accountability of classroom education. In other words, for nearly six hours a day, the cherubs of our life are out of our hair. As parents, this is a time to exhale, re-center, and return to a rhythm of near predictability. Calm. COVID 19 has redefined education for our children. For most, there is zero or limited classroom learning, a “fly by the seat of your pants” lesson plan, and a flimsy daily structure for our youngsters. In other words, chaos, and frustration. This situation is difficult for kids and having a stressful toll in households. And in our marriages too. In addition to fulfilling the many roles of a parent, we now have to wear the hat of teacher and educational IT support. In our well-intended efforts to guide our children, the individual roles and responsibilities of each parent have blurred. As a result, anger and resentment have ensued with our spouses. We are not only at “war” with a virus, we are at “war” with each other. And our expanded roles as a parent is one of many reasons for this caustic state. This is a situation that can be minimized, if not eradicated if both parents sincerely commit to household harmony during this unexpected situation. We need to be calm, establish and communicate clear and reasonable expectations, and establish a routine of predictability and reliability. Ok, here we go. First, be calm. When a couple is preparing to become parents, in addition to a “Welcome Baby” gift of newborn essentials, I always inscribe in an accompanying card a useful piece of advice I learned first-hand: Calm parents equal calm baby. Infants, children, and adults nearly always react to an environment charged with anger and frustration. Babies cry. Children whine and have tantrums. And adults become argumentative and spew thoughts that they often regret. A tranquil environment encourages purposeful problem solving, an exchange of useful dialogue, and most importantly doesn’t escalate an already challenging situation. Essentially- When a computer problem arises, stay calm. When a child whines and throws a tantrum, don’t react. When a spouse becomes frustrated, don’t engage. Instead, initiate a 5-minute break and re-establish peace. Second, establish and communicate reasonable expectations. This starts with a strategy that is developed, agreed upon, and initiated by the parents. This is not a fleeting or spontaneous assignment, but one that establishes a framework of routine, assigns individual responsibilities, and establishes that each parent must “have” and respect each other’s back. This plan takes time and effort, is written, and has the child’s success at the heart of it. Not the parent’s convenience. Expectations for the child should be clearly communicated and also written-out for them. The plan should outline when the day begins and ends, quality of work, and that there are consequences for poor work or lack of effort. It should also include praise and rewards for accomplishment. Routine. Kids thrive in a well-established and predictable routine. This means learning begins at the same time each day. Students should be dressed as though they are going to a classroom – proper attire, teeth and hair brushed, and a clean and uncluttered work area. That day's schedule should be obviously posted for the child to refer to. Essentially the “home” classroom should mimic a traditional learning environment. This includes expectations of behavior too. Also, it is imperative to have a constructive and candid relationship with your child’s teacher. He or she can be a valuable resource of tips, ideas, and solutions when a child is not thriving. Encourage an online support group with your child’s classmate’s parents. An exchange of ideas, with active problem solving, can do wonders. Remember and embrace that you will succeed with this mission. Frankly, you have to. Our children’s education is too important where “failure is not an option.” Seriously. My daughter attended an elementary school where the sixth-grade teacher did not place importance on quality, comprehensive mathematics instruction. My husband and I realized the detriment of this and the long-term impact it could potentially have. Together we embraced the situation, created a plan, and communicated how the situation was going to be remedied, over the summer break, with our cherub. You guessed it, she was NOT happy. Together, my husband and I communicated the God made us parents to make difficult decisions for our children. We promised that the math plan we developed was not going to dominate her summer vacation. So the routine began. On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 8 am to 9:30 am Emma was positioned at the kitchen table where I introduced a math concept for the day. I explained. She listened and practiced. The rest of the day was hers. And day by day, week by week she excelled. Mission accomplished. Did Emma enjoy studying math during the summer? Not really. But she respected her parents and our decision. My husband and I made it reasonable. We made it fun. And she was rewarded for her spirit, diligence, and positive attitude. Fast forward to present day. Because of COVID 19, my daughter is completing the first semester of her junior year of college online. Is she happy about this? No, of course not! However, she is accepting of the situation. She has a routine, is committed, and is making the best of a less-than-ideal situation. Parenting is not easy. Online learning is one challenge that both parents and children must embrace, even reluctantly. Trust me, as mothers and fathers, you will face even more complex trials in your child’s future. It’s why God created parents - to handle the tough stuff. It’s time to take lemons and make lemonade. You can do this. Now, go flex some parental muscle.

I couldn’t sleep one night and ended up in the den, remote control in hand, shuffling through television stations searching for something, anything, interesting to watch. It wasn’t too long into my troll that I stumbled upon The Andy Griffith Show, circa 1960. I settled into the recliner and reacquainted myself with Andy, Barney Fife, Aunt Bee, and of course Opie. The episode I watched centered on one of Andy’s friends and his search for a girlfriend and soulmate. The characters were charming, the plot was thin, and the black and white background seemed to give an impression of nostalgia. Ten minutes in, I became unsettled, on the verge of angry. Twenty minutes later, I clicked it off shocked and disbelieving. Andy’s friend, Emmett, had found what he thought was the perfect girlfriend. She was pretty, smart, and conversational. The only “less-than” ideal characteristic about this women was that she had a job that complemented her organizational and personable skill set. Emmett thought the job his girlfriend so dearly loved, that provided a small income and personal independence, was a distraction from his needs; someone to cook, clean, and be on spontaneous demand to fulfill any desired request. At the conclusion of the episode, Emmett’s girlfriend quit her job so that she could focus all her attention on Emmett. This was considered a satisfying and happy ending to the story. The messages of the episode were clear: · Women should depend on men for all support. · A women should not have any interests that distract from their role as a girlfriend or wife. This means job, career, or interests of any kind. · Women should not consider fulfilling roles that are not traditional “women’s” work. Emmett’s girlfriend worked and managed a gas station. · Women are not smart enough to have jobs that involve business management, math, or anything mechanical. And most importantly: · A relationship between a man and a women is not equal or even nearly equal. Fast forward to 2020. Have things changed? My husband and I have a nearly equal marriage based on the fact that I have a mastered set of skills that he is not as proficient at. Furthermore, Gene possesses abilities and acumen that I do not possess. Together, we form a team that can overcome most challenges, expected and unexpected. Essentially, there are scenarios where I take the lead and others where my husband takes command. We respect and are grateful for each other's strengths, trust one another’s opinions, and make important decisions together. Is that a 50/50 relationship? Or 49/51? It’s neither. We are one – committed to our well established and communicated family goals. Our personal objectives help to buttress the aforementioned. My husband compares it to two trees, with an intertwined shallow root system, growing toward each other. Together we are strong. Without our entangled support system, we could easily succumb to any storm. Any many couples do. I am educated, have skills, and I am a positive role model to my children for what it means to be in a strong marriage (see STRONG marriage / relationships below). Yes, I sacrifice to support our goals. And so does Gene. When my husband has a setback, I have a setback. When I celebrate a success, my husband celebrates that same success. So, when it’s the middle of the night and I am searching for something to watch, I hope to find other options besides The Andy Griffith Show. In fact, if my children were still young, this type of program would be on my “not allowed to watch list.” Maybe Mary Tyler Moore. Or perhaps Black-ish or Mad About You. Realizing that a successful and fulfilling marriage is team centered where both spouses focus their individual strengths whereby they contribute to goals of their partnership. Remember, do not diminish each other’s strengths and abilities. Instead, embrace, challenge, and let one’s gifts strengthen your relationship and buttress your goals as a family. With this relationship strategy you will accomplish so much more in life enveloped by mutual respect and endearing love. You will thrive. Be one. Goto https://www.twoheartsinlove.com/what-is-a-strong-marraige-1 to learn more about STRONG Marriages / Relationships.

If you have been following my blog, you have probably realized a few things about me. First, I am a Christian. Second, I always prioritize my family. Furthermore, I am strong-willed, have opinions based on facts, documentations, and earned wisdom. And, I don’t always agree with my husband. I am unapologetic for all the above. Now, don’t get the wrong impression. My husband and I have shared spiritual beliefs as well as family goals. We also share political point-of-views – at least most of the time. There are rare instances where our perspectives are askew. Perhaps, because I am a female. Possibly, it’s because I’m a mother. Maybe, it’s because I’m left-handed and he’s right dominate. Most likely though, the rationale evolves around empathy. Although he is the father of our daughter and supports her goals and ideals wholeheartedly, he cannot empathize with what it means to be female. He tries and maybe comes close to understanding, but he cannot possibly understand the benefits and pitfalls of having two X chromosomes. Empathy is somewhat complex as it encompasses understanding what someone is feeling through personal experience. Empathy allows you to “walk in one’s shoes,” achieving a greater understanding of someone’s situation. To have empathy, in my opinion, one has to draw upon life lessons. This includes personal achievements, struggles, and experiences. No matter the breadth of life knowledge, it is impossible to exhibit empathy in every situation, therefore one must utilize sympathy. Simply put, you cannot empathize with a female unless you are one. So what happens when my husband and I disagree politically? We talk. We both are well-read and informed. We collect our information from a cross-section of references. These include a variety of fact-based credible news sources, both left, right, and in between. Sometimes we exchange articles with each other, via email, that express an opposing opinion with relevant and fact-based conclusions. We are also students of history well-knowing and accepting our greatest lessons come from mistakes and triumphs from our past – as a community, nation, and world. We also know the US Constitution and Bill of Rights. When our son was in the fourth grade, their teacher at the beginning of the year provided parents a “heads-up” that each student was to memorize the US Constitution, in its entirety, by the end of the year. At Meet the Teachers night, you could hear an audible gasp echo throughout the classroom when she formally announced this assignment. However, week after week, for the next eight months, with the aid of parents, each nine-year-old student would memorize a new section of this fundamental document. Although it was a challenging assignment, both students and parents became competent pupils of the US Constitution. In fact, dinner table conversations would oftentimes center on the current section being studied. Even today, as an adult, my son can still recite most of the US Constitution. So when someone spews that something is their “Constitutional right” or rather is “unconstitutional,” they are often wrong. Most are repeating the opinions of others that are ill-informed or purposefully give “truth” a strategically biased twist. Even after exchanging opinions and articles, sometimes the love of my life and myself still disagree. And that’s just fine. As a couple, the foundation of our union is respect. He respects my opinion and I respect his. There is absolutely nothing wrong ethically, spiritually, or romantically with disagreeing with your spouse. Why is this subject a topic of my blog? Because sometimes when helping couples that are struggling, we have observed that one half of a couple generally determines the opinions of the other. Not influences. Determines. This means in the voting booth too. I have heard excuses that include: · “I don’t have time to read,” · “It’s too unsettling to watch the news,” · “I don’t know truth from fiction,” · “I’m not smart enough,” · “I read and watch what my spouse reads or watches.” It’s an important time of year. A national election is near. It is time to become involved by creating your own opinion regarding leadership and what are the best decisions regarding your household and your children’s future. This exercise is critical in being a role model and mentor for your children as well as being a contributing citizen. Read. Ask questions. And ask even more questions. Scrutinize. Filter. Then read more, ask more. Come to your own conclusions. And by all means, VOTE! And if you disagree with someone you love, it’s Okay. You don’t have to share your opinions with anyone. However, if your relationship is based on respect, it will be a situation where you “agree to disagree.” Start reading and asking questions. It matters.

I am a busy person. I have commitments. I have routines. I enjoy having a full schedule. I am happiest when I am active. I have no time nor patience for injury, surgery and recovery. For the past several months, I have experienced significant pain in my left foot. Initially, I thought I simply twisted my ankle and with a little rest the discomfort would subside. Instead, it got worse. I visited my doctor leaving their office with a prescription for anti-inflammatories and a poorly Xeroxed sheet of paper with a half-dozen foot stretching exercises. Oh yeah, and a $180 bill for an eight minute visit. After more rest, jazzed-up Motrin, and a committed plan of daily stretching my pain increased. Nightly walks with my husband seized. Instead of striding in a brisk pace, I was almost to the point where I was dragging my left foot, avoiding placing full weight on it. I went to a specialist that thought orthotics would be the cure. They weren’t. Finally more diagnostic testing took place where it was revealed that I had torn ligaments. The surgeon was shocked that I had managed a somewhat normal, albeit limited, daily routine being in so much pain. In fact, he thought I was amazing. Nope, I am not anyone special, just a mom and wife that needs to get things done. Life doesn’t stop for foot pain. Things need to happen for life to continue smoothly. And did I mention we’re still dealing with a pandemic. Surgery went smoothly. I emerged from the hospital with a shiny new cast, a pain pump, pages of do and don’t directives, and a new best friend – Buzz. Buzz is my assigned 3-wheel knee scooter. And this is where I became a student of a new life education I candidly refer to as “Check your ego at the door” lessons. Lesson #1: Take Inventory. As you already know, I like to be active. I am a “have a plan, roll-up your sleeves and get it done” type of person. I love challenge. Sitting in a recliner, with my foot elevated, watching the Hallmark Channel (It’s Christmas in July) is not my idea of fulfillment when it’s 80 something degrees outside with the sun shining in all its glory. So I mentally had to encapsulate my situation by asking and answering a fundamental set of questions: · Do I have control over this situation? Answer: “NO.” · Is this the worst situation to be in? Answer: “NO.” People are dying from Covid 19 for Heaven’s Sake! · Am I grateful that aside from a bum foot, I am relatively healthy? Answer: “Kinda Sort of.” After reflecting on my answers for mere seconds, I realized that my attitude needed an adjustment. I needed to focus on the positives. And most importantly show some gratitude! Lesson #2: When people offer to help - accept! I remember when my daughter was 18 months old, she refused any assistance whatsoever in getting dressed in the morning. Whether it was a simple 2-piece play set or an overly complicated, multi buttoned jumper with matching tights, she wanted to get ready “all by herself.” She routinely rejected any help I would offer. Most times she would emerge from her room dressed and groomed ready for the day. However, there were times she announced her presence with leotards (remember those?!?) on backwards or buttons that were fastened but not aligned correctly. Where am I going with this? Simply, when people offered to assist me with routine rituals like bathing, dressing, or attaining a cherry Popsicle from the freezer I responded with “Thanks, I can do it all by myself!” In fact, I could not. Or my body rejected my childish response with the clearly understood language of PAIN. I had to accept that it was easier on my body, with fewer healing setbacks, if I enthusiastically accepted assistance. Lesson #3: Be at peace. I needed to accept I was broken and needed to heal. I needed to put my frustrations in a well secured metaphorical box and step back. I had to relax. Perhaps this was a time where I was to be cared for instead of being the care provider. Maybe tasks would be accomplished or maybe they would not. Maybe my family would be eating more take-out instead of nutritious balanced meals. Maybe those evening walks with the love of my life would have to be replaced with watching an hour of Family Feud on TV (did I really admit to that?). I had to accept and be at peace that I was injured and on the mend. Life would be a bit slower, even less complicated. I would have to lean on people and be grateful for their help. And as with my toddler daughter, make mistakes and try again. When I am healed and Buzz is returned to the medical supply rental store, I will reflect on these lessons knowing that this situation is an opportunity for personal growth. These will be the same lessons I will exercise with my husband, children, friends, and family. I am so very grateful. Life is good. So good.

This post was inspired by a friend. He shared that he is frustrated. While all his contemporaries have found that special someone to share their lives with, he has not. He is living his life alone. Without purpose. Without joy. He is adrift. He’s not a bad guy. He has the usual inventory of traits – healthy, sense of humor, morality and yes, a job. He even attends church every week faithfully. He has dated, but rarely has there been a third date. He has reflected on his situation and has come to conclusions that include timing, lack of interests in common, even faith differences. So why is John unsuccessful in finding his true love? Because he has self-determined who and what will be the perfect mate for him. Essentially, John uses a “list” to ascertain whether someone is worthy of his “time and investment. “ His words, not mine. John determines if someone is worth his “time and investment” within the first minute or two of an encounter. Again, his words, not mine. John’s list is lengthy and very specific. It includes things like height, weight, hair color, and education. After pressing him, he admitted to additional items on his list that define if they were previously married, if they have debt, as well as very specific religious philosophies among other things. He has tried meeting women at work, church, through friends, and yes, online. He has failed at all the aforementioned. Is John and his methods in finding a life partner unusual? If we are honest with ourselves, we all have lists. Mine was very short and included things like non-smoking and good hygiene. I placed more value on getting to know someone, learning about their life goals, morale compass, and overall values. These are individualities that cannot be discovered within a minute or two of meeting someone, but evolve when getting to know a person over a period of time. Furthermore, I did not approach finding a life mate the same way I initiate purchasing a new automobile; presented with a list of options whereby I could easily check a box for the ones I wanted, leaving choices like “parallel parking assist” left unmarked (I am an ace at parallel parking). Essentially inanimate possessions lacking a heartbeat, a soul, and a moral compass typically don’t require a “get to know you” phase. Humans do. Also, I never went on a date with the goal of finding a husband. My emphasis focused on meeting new people, engaging in conversations, and learning more about myself. Rarely did I have a terrible evening. Moreover, with every relationship – long or short- I would reflect and learn what about a person was truly important to me. And superficialities never made the inventory. I remember after my husband and I married, he shared that a close friend of his was puzzled about our relationship and commitment to each other. Why? Because I am slightly taller than then the love of my life. Today, twenty five years later, my husband and I chuckle about the absurdity of this rationale. And the person who made this observation and comment? Divorced and unhappy. Yep. There’s no magic trick or perfect strategy in finding love. However, I can assure you it does not start with lengthy and superficial lists. If you find that you aren’t checking the time on your watch or phone multiple times during a date and at the end an outing you feel good about yourself, it’s a clue to invest more time in to getting to know someone better. Not complicated. Fairly simple. As for John, he will remain stuck and unhappy until he changes his philosophy about dating. His “list” is preventing him from finding love. And he never considers if a potential match may have their own lists and how he may be considered less-than or inadequate. Open your mind and heart. Your will sincerely learn more about yourself and what you are searching for. And you may find love alone the way.

I have learned an incredibly valuable life lesson – If you carry an umbrella, generally it will not rain. If you don’t carry an umbrella, it’s a sure bet you’ll get caught in a storm with no protection. Keeping this in mind, tucked in the door pocket of my car, you will find an inconspicuous small folding umbrella. Nothing flashy, mind you, but a fundamental lifesaver in a downpour. You need an “umbrella” regarding your marriage or relationship too. No, not in terms of protection from a rainstorm, but from the setbacks a relationship, or life in general, can bring. And yes, setbacks do and will happen. A setback: · Can do immense damage, · Sometimes can be avoided, · Can be lifechanging, good and bad. Examples of a setback: · Illness – you, your mate, your child(ren), · Loss of employment, · An unexpected relocation, · A disaster, · Death. So, what kind of umbrella helps to protect you from the setbacks of life? Primarily, it is information, knowledge, and strategy. Essentially planning, candid conversations, and an awareness regarding all the particulars of your marriage and household are invaluable tools that will help prepare and guide you through difficult times when they occur. And they will occur. Sincerely, I realize this blog post is sensitive. However, while ministering to couples, my husband and I have often encountered families, that when faced with a setback, were completely blind-sided and adrift in chaos and uncertainty. Umbrella #1: A Will and Estate Planning I know, I know, no one wants to think of death. Especially unexpected death. However, events happen that can change the course of our lives and death is one of them. I am shocked at couples that do not have legal Wills prepared and registered – especially if children are involved. This relatively inexpensive document and can prevent a lot of drama and discord. As important as a Will is the act of legally identifying who will assume custody of any underage children if both parents are deceased. Careful consideration must be given to individuals who will honor your parenting requests. The chosen person(s) should be informed of your choice and acceptance is imperative. Umbrella #2: Know Your Numbers Both you and your spouse need to know all facets of the household financials. This includes expenses, bills, all income, investments, life insurance, all insurances, taxes… Again, my husband and I are astonished to hear that only one partner of a union is tasked with understanding and managing the financials of the household. In fact, some spouses even claim they have “no” interest in learning or handling “the numbers” of the home. Some husbands or wives believe they are not “smart enough” or “capable” of managing this task. Unfortunately, “knowing your numbers” is not an option if you want to avoid or survive a life storm. Gene and I share the management of our home. In fact, every twelve weeks (or quarter of a year) we take turns “managing our numbers.” By doing this, we both intimately know and understand all the financial aspects of our home. In the event of a life setback, we are both prepared to competently step-in and manage the financials. Moreover, together we have created a master book of account numbers and passwords that act as a roadmap to our financials. Either my husband, myself, or a designated third party will benefit from all information being in one place without someone having to hunt down or search for information. If you are truly uncomfortable with the task of “managing your numbers,” there are free or low-cost community courses that will explain, teach, and guide you with the goal of achieving comfort and confidence with the task. Furthermore, there are excellent books and websites that teach and inform without being intimidating. I always challenge couples, if you can understand and set-up your iPhone, you have the ability and aptitude to understand “your numbers.” Umbrella #3: Big Changes Require Candid Conversations Anytime, we are contemplating change my husband and I plan a quiet time to talk. We have these chats regarding investments, career changes, fears, and challenges. These types of conversations are the beginning steps in forming goals and establishing a plan in achieving that goal. Umbrella #4: Have An Emergency Stash Having at least one month’s income in a “stash” account in the event of unemployment, job change, or an unexpected emergency is a goal every household should have. I realize this is easier said than done. However, choosing to save $5 instead of having a chai latte is a great start. Slowly, your emergency fund will become a reality. Additionally, applying for and receiving a credit card, with a modest credit amount, that is only used for emergencies is another umbrella tactic. I must emphasize again that this card is only to be used in an emergency. My husband and I have such a credit card, not stored in our wallet but in our aforementioned master book. Hopefully, we will never need to use it, but it is there, collecting dust, just in case. Umbrella #5: The Box “The Box” in our home refers to the plastic crate that contains fundamentals in the event of an emergency or disaster. It includes bottled water, freeze-dried food, photocopies of important documents (passports, driver licenses, deeds…), flashlights… Consult websites that specialize in this type of planning for a complete listing. Again, like my umbrella theory, if you have this type of box, the likelihood of an emergency is low. Umbrella #6: Keep Current My husband and I have an annual ritual: every April after we sign, seal, and mail our taxes we initiate the task of updating our resumes. Why? Simply because you never know when an opportunity will present and you should be prepared to market yourself to the best of your ability. Nothing is worse than creating or updating one’s resume on the spur of the moment. The probability of unintentional omissions, as well as spelling and grammar mistakes increases exponentially when the task is rushed. I call these life strategies “my umbrellas.” Others may call it “getting your ducks in order.” Whatever the title, life tools, combined with planning, help guard against chaos. You must share the responsibilities of this strategy with your spouse or partner. You must talk. You must be informed. You must plan together. See Be Heard and Understood at my website Twoheartsinlove.com for help communicating with your partner regarding planning and establishing your life umbrellas.

We have a tool, in our relationship tool box, that is sometimes underused or ignored altogether. Matter of fact, most cannot even comprehend its power. As with all tools, some degree of practice is needed with the purpose of becoming skilled with its usage. Some might even call this tool a shield of protection. Others may boldly declare it a weapon. I use it to define boundaries for myself and my family. Whatever the intention, value this tool, learn how to use it, and stand strong when initiating it. What is this powerful tool? Simply, it is the word “No.” Many times when my husband and I were mentoring couples we heard excuses from each half of a couple regarding family and individual priorities, meddling in-laws, or children that dominate a household. My husband would often address the very large elephant in the room: “Why didn’t you just say NO?” The responses were generally deafening. Crickets. This was sometimes followed by “We tried, but we were ignored.” Then more excuses. Below are examples of “No!” from my marriage. Make no mistake, using this tool took practice, not to mention inner-strength and tenacity. Recipients of this word initially would reject it, believing it was a one-time event. However, with repeated use and steadfast firmness of intention, the use of the tool will be understood and respected. Silent Night It was a wonderful Christmas day. Our kids were young, the outside was blanketed with a fresh covering of snow, the roast was in the oven and my mother was visiting for the holiday weekend. I loved my mother dearly, but she had a character flaw of being overly critical to the one’s she loves. Harsh in fact. My mother, didn’t realize the hurt she created. Or she didn’t care. Once her opinion was established, it rarely changed. That Christmas afternoon, my mother began her critical offerings of me. It was one thing after another. The breakfast cinnamon buns were overly sweet. My hair needed a trim. The base of the lamp had a ring of dust surrounding it. My children were watching these encounters. My husband could not help but notice. My mother’s comments turned a day of celebration in to an environment of walking on egg shells. Then my husband stood-up and made a statement. “Jane, Ellen may choose to overlook and roll with your criticism. However, when you criticize the mother of my children, in front of those children, it becomes my business.” Then he ended his statement by stating if she continued with this type of behavior, she would be asked to leave. I gasped. My mother was silent, for a while anyway. Then as if she misunderstood or fundamentally didn’t comprehend my husband’s “NO” ultimatum, my mother re-started her critical commentary. Without missing a beat, my husband stood-up, calmly walked to the closet to retrieve my mom’s coat, grabbed his car keys and firmly stated it was time for her to leave. Then he made the silent four hour round trip drive to take her home. My mother and I did not speak for nearly two months. During that break, I believe my mother did a lot of soul searching. She did not apologize, but she did think before she spoke limiting her critical commentary. She understood that when my husband said “NO” or “NO more” he meant it. The following Christmas was very different. There were established boundaries. And there was joy. My mother is no longer living. However, the last years of her life there were boundaries in place that resulted in respect and love. The year before she passed, she shared that she was sincerely respected my husband and the way he protected his family. She knew that I had married a man of strong character. She loved him too. Batter-Up! My husband and I place enormous value on having dinner together as a family most evenings during the week. The dinner table is a place where concentrated family communication takes place. This is where you discover what is impacting your children, what is happening at school, and where worries, fears, and curiosities are discussed. I cannot express to you the value of this time. It is time whereby potential troubles and setbacks can be averted. Most importantly, your children will seek the insights and advice directly from their parents rather than placing confidence in the opinions of classmates or individuals that don’t have the best interest of the child front and center. Beware, there are perceived innocent circumstances that begin to challenge this precious time together as children begin elementary school. What are they? Extracurricular activities! Please know I do not have issues with soccer, football, swim lessons, music lessons, or ballet. What I am trying caution parents against is the quantity of these activities. Although tempted by permission slips casually tucked into a child’s backpack, colorful informational postcards mailed to your home, or community enrichment catalogs chock full child activities, you need to fundamentally protect dinner table time. My husband and I did this by saying “No” to more than one activity at a time. Essentially, it was soccer OR piano, swim OR football, dance OR karate. At the beginning of the next calendar cycle, our children could decide to switch to a difference activity or stay with the same. With multiple children, each participating in an activity, it was a struggle to protect dinner time. I can’t imagine the stress it would create if each child participated in multiple activities. Peer pressure also crept into our lives. Friends of our children would ask them to join them in an activity. This was acceptable as long as it was limited to a single sport or program. And yes, my husband and I had to lovingly say “No” to our children when they wanted to participate in multiple activities. And yes, dinner time would fluctuate depending on the day of the week and the activity. Sometimes we ate 6:00 PM, other times 8:30 PM. However, we almost always broke bread together, talking, sharing, and advising. Today, as adults, my children reflect on the limitations my husband and I enacted. And, yes, they are appreciative. We are a very close family. Both our son and daughter still find it important to talk with each other even though they are hundreds of miles apart. They recall family activities, candid conversations, and times of reassurance. These memories, most likely, would not have occurred if my husband and I would not have wielded our tool of “No.” Again, the power of the word “No” is an amazing tool that will prioritize your family goals, simplify your life, and create boundaries to shield your home from distractions and potential harm. Be warned, some will not understand and may disapprove when you use this amazing tool. However, if you persist and remain steadfast, acceptance will come. Be strong!

My birthday is soon. In fact, I was born on Mother’s Day. Depending on the year, my birthday generally lands on or near the same day that is set aside to honor moms everywhere. For my overly practical, efficiency centered spouse, this was a near perfect scenario – a “Twofer.” The man I promised to love and cherish for the rest of my life automatically concluded that our family could celebrate both my birthday and Mother’s Day on the same day. Same people. One dinner celebration. Shared gifts. This was my husband’s plan. That is until I clearly and succinctly established some rules. First, before reviewing my rules or guidelines I used the communication skills I outlined in my Be Heard and Understood section of this website, to lovingly educate my husband about gifts - especially since becoming a mother. I also will remind readers that my husband and I decided that it would be best for our family that I shelve my career to stay at home to raise the cherubs I call my children. Although this was a huge decision that consisted of thoughtful decision making and planning, it also meant no paycheck for me, zero “Atta girls” acknowledging jobs well done, let alone performance awards, raises or promotions. The bottom line is that there are a handful of days of year, namely Christmas, my birthday, wedding anniversary, and yes Mother’s Day that I deem my paydays, Atta girls, and most importantly acknowledgement of my hard work and dedication to my family. The aforementioned days are mere 24 hour blocks of time that are set aside to honor two important concepts – Appreciation and Love. Do the quick math. If there are roughly 8760 hours in a year, I am asking for 96 of those hours, or 1.1 percent of a year, to say thank you and I love you for placing our family as a priority. Simple and not unreasonable, right? Ok, now to the short list of rules as it pertains to receiving gifts from my husband: Rule #1: If you are considering a gift that takes batteries or has an electrical cord, think again. I cherish gifts that are personal as opposed to utility. I truly am not interested in gifts that can help me cook better, clean faster, or organize more efficiently. Rule #2: I like gifts that say “You’re worth it.” By this I mean every mother has something they selfishly covet, but deem unnecessary or frivolous therefore dismissing it. Receiving something that’s sole purpose is to be pretty shouts “you’re beautiful and worth this.” This type of gift is essentially an item that one would never purchase for themselves. Rule #3: Gifts do not have to be expensive. However, they do have to be thoughtful. Handmade gifts are awesome. Rule #4: Know my Love Language. Mine is time. A gift of fun, quiet, or relaxation is always welcomed and appreciated. And most importantly- Rule #4: Mother’s Day and my birthday are NOT to be celebrated together. Never ever. I deserve two days, two dinners, two gifts. I came up with these rules after receiving a skillet for Christmas years ago. Although it was a nice skillet, with the latest non-stick technology, it did not say “Thank you and I love you.” Instead, I felt the gift said “Cook more, cook faster!” Did I mention I really don’t like practical gifts? Favorite gifts I have received: Beautiful high quality personalized stationary designed for me by my husband. I am old fashioned as I enjoy writing Thank You notes to acknowledge someone’s generosity towards me or my family. This gift allow me to do this while making a statement of style and design. I also love receiving letters from my husband. I have boxes and boxes of notes, lovingly penned by him. They are thoughtful, very personal, and almost always make me tear up. I truly value and cherish these. I also appreciate surprise weekends away with my spouse. I love one-on-one time and spontaneity as well as the fact that he does all the planning including arranging for childcare when my cherubs were young. Many gifts I have received from my husband are home-runs. Others have been doubles or singles. However since receiving that skillet many Christmas’s ago, there have been few strike –outs. Why? Because I took the time to lovingly and thoughtfully educate the man I love about my likes and dislikes. I provided him a road map with explanation. He listened and he has embraced the rules. Is he tempted to break or bend a rule with the occasional purchase of an electronic tool or gizmo? Yes. However, my now adult children remind him of the guidelines and keep him on track. Remember, it’s all about communication. Happy Birthday to me!

Occasionally, I am going to write about types of stress that can cause destruction in your relationship. Today’s stress flavor-of-the-month: MOVING. Stress is a fact of life. There are everyday stresses such as rush-hour traffic, paying bills, keeping-up with your kids’ schedules not to mention the pressures and demands of your job. Throw in a global pandemic to life’s typical hurdles and now you’ve gone from stress to chaos and crisis. No matter how organized and calm you may be, stress can eat you up. And yes, affect the one you promised to love and cherish for the rest of your life. As recent empty nesters, my husband and I determined that our home was too big for just the two of us. We essentially lived in three rooms of our house – kitchen, family room, and bedroom. Sometimes we would venture into our formal living or dining rooms, but it was rare and mostly to vacuum and dust. We even had closed the heating and cooling vents to our daughter’s and son’s bedrooms as they were rarely home. And my husband, the overly practical one-half of our union, thought it was a good idea to list and sell our beloved home at the very peak of the real estate market. Mini Stress #1: Making the decision. Yes, we are empty nesters. Yes, our home is far too large for just two people. Yes, it was a seller’s real estate market. And yes, my husband had less and less time (and desire) to keep-up with the routine maintenance that comes with home ownership. The logical reasons for selling made total sense. However, what always trumps logic and practicality is emotion. This was the home where we raised our children. This is the place where we celebrated birthdays and major holidays. This address is where my children learned to ride two wheelers, started kindergarten, finished high school, and were photographed for Homecoming Dances and Senior Proms. Essentially, our two-story colonial with, green trim neatly positioned on a cul-de-sac, was center stage for almost all of our family milestones, good and bad. The thought of selling and leaving made my stomach hurt. However, my head convinced my heart that it was time. Mini Stress #2: Going generic. We contracted with a realtor to market our home. After signing papers to initiate the sale process, our agent matter-of-factly dictated that we depersonalize our home, paint all walls beige or dove grey, and remove any hint of family memories. So the process began of removing all family photos, all color from the walls and decor, and removing much-loved pieces of antique furniture that the realtor ignorantly deemed “old” looking. What was left after “the cleanse” was essentially a dove grey box vacant of personality and color. I felt uncomfortable in my own home. It felt unfamiliar. I was unsettled. Mini Stress #3: Come one, come all. The For Sale sign was positioned out front. It was official, our home was on the market. At any given moment my phone would chime alerting me to a showing request. After accepting a request, I would generally have less than an hour to make the house look perfect, grab the dog, and vacuum myself out leaving behind perfectly straight lines in the carpet. Any plans I had during this time were scuttled as I took the dog on a long walk at the park or parked in a nearby grocery store parking lot listening to talk radio while the place I called home was being judged. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt as though I could not “live” in my home as at any moment I would have potential buyers intruding in to my life. I kept reminding myself that this would end. Hopefully soon. Mini Stress #4: The dance. We had an offer. Now, the dance of back and forth negotiations started. We gave a little, they gave a little. We agreed on a price. This entire negotiation process took nearly ten days after the initial offer. Each time my phone chimed, my agent communicated more and more requests from the buyer. Some queries were reasonable, others were not. I did not want the deal to fail, but I was getting irritated. I clearly communicated that I was done with negotiations. Finally, earnest monies were exchanged and papers were signed. A closing date was determined. A move was now reality. Mini Stress #5: Now where? So, I guess we are moving. But where? After many long walks in the evening, my husband and I decided that eventually we hoped to live in a warmer climate. However, his career is in Michigan. Further, he does not want to consider retiring until after our daughter graduates from college. So we agreed not to buy a home at the time, but to rent. We looked at homes and condos for lease as well as apartments. We agreed on a particular condominium that seemed to address most of our needs. During all of this we kept hearing about an illness sweeping across China and parts of Europe – Covid 19. Within days the threat of the Corona Virus was genuine and immediate – people were getting sick, many were dying, and the US economy was in a tailspin. During this time of unknowns, my husband did not want to sign a lease or begin packing-up our house until it was assured we were actually going to complete the sale of our home. Three realities became apparent: The buyers could cancel the purchase of our home, we could lose the condo we wanted to rent and we would be forced to pack-up our home after the closing date, in just a handful of days. Many real estate contracts were being cancelled as unemployment began spiking and financing become unavailable. Mini Stress #6: We closed! Hands gloved, mouths and noses hidden by masks, my husband and I signed the paperwork that officially sold our home. The address I had called home for the past twenty-five years was no longer ours. Now we had 5 days to sign a lease for the rental of the condo where we were going to live, pack-up our things, and move. Mini Stress #7: Did I mention we moved during a pandemic? What does this mean? Essentially, moving during a pandemic means no help. By the grace of God I found a moving company willing to move us, but my husband and I had to do all the organizing and packing ourselves. Further mixed into the confusion was an emergency road trip to pick-up our daughter from her college that had closed because of Covid 19. I would wake-up early in the morning organize our stuff into three piles: keep, donate, and throw-out. When my husband was done working for the day, he would join me. As a team, we managed to pack and move in only five days! During the packing and moving process, I had to say “Good bye” to items I dearly treasured. I tempered the emotional vacuum by the cliché that my loss was another person’s gain. The last item, my beloved antique dining room set sold to a young couple, just married and transitioning into professional careers. You could plainly see the sparkle in the buyer’s eyes as she clearly valued the mahogany wood, detailed carvings, and bit of whimsy in the upholstery of the chairs. Money was exchanged and they loaded their new treasure in to the back of a pick-up truck and an old Chevy Suburban. I overheard her say to her husband that she never dreamed she would have a dining room set like this and she was already planning the family Christmas dinner. I smiled. Mini Stress #8: Moving Day. The movers were late. When they arrived, I arranged the three men in a single line instructing them of the rules: Twice an hour they are to wash their hands, they are to wear gloves and masks at all times (which I provided), and they are to adhere to the social distancing guidelines of six feet when possible. They looked at me as though I was from Mars not quite understanding my instructions. I reminded them that there is a pandemic and people are dying. They didn’t blink. I pointed to a house down the street where a person succumbed to Covid 19. They didn’t blink. Finally, in my no-nonsense motherly tone I said: "Just do it!" And they lined up and scrubbed their hands. Eight hours later we were moved. It wasn’t pretty. It was somewhat organized. And the dog and cat seemed calm. I’ll call the day a success. The lesson here is to take the enormously stressful task of moving and to break it down into manageable pieces or mini stresses. Your mind, heart, and body can adapt and problem solve small hurdles much more easily and successfully than a large one. Treat your spouse as a true partner. Discuss plans. Communicate feelings. Strategize a plan together. As a couple, when you work together, with common goals, most stress can be minimized or overcome - even in a pandemic.

Our family has “codes” or unique phrases that make us stop, pay attention, and act. My husband and I use them. My kids have them. Our family understands the power of these catch-phrases and the reaction they cause. We use them sparingly. And we only pull them out and speak them when it’s truly imperative. It’s an eleven. There were many nights, lying next to my husband, that I could not sleep. In the nighttime silence of our bedroom, I could detect that my husband routinely stopped breathing – just for a second or two. Then he would cough, stir a bit, and resume sleeping. This pattern would happen many times a night, every night. Sometimes if the breathing would cease for more than a second or two, I would gently touch his hand whereby he would then resume breathing until the next cycle. I became sleep-deprived and scared. Over breakfast, I mentioned my observations regarding his sleep patterns. I suggested he consult a physician thinking that a sleep study may be prescribed. He listened and then rejected my opinion. “I feel fine,” was his standard remark followed by “I am a quiet sleeper, you just can’t hear me breath.” I knew that going to a sleep clinic to be professionally evaluated, was not his idea of a great time. I understood that being wired with sensors while being monitored by a series of cameras seemed intrusive. But instinctually, I embraced the seriousness of the situation – even though he did not. After being rejected, a second and third time, I was forced to use my secret weapon. “Gene, I love you. On a scale of 1 to 10, this is an eleven.” The man I cherished, knew what this phrase meant. Furthermore, he grasped how scared I was. That morning he called a physician and scheduled a sleep study. To summarize, the study revealed that Gene stopped breathing more than 400 times during a four-hour period. He was issued a CPAP machine, fitted with a mask that he found remarkably comfortable, and the two of us began to sleep each night peacefully and contently. The phrase It’s an eleven are words I have only spoken twice during our marriage. Gene has vocalized it a couple of times too. This phrase, rarely uttered, means STOP! Hear Me! I am not going to abandon this issue! If you love me and respect our marriage, you will honor my request. It is followed by little, if any, discussion. It is always acted upon. This is our code. Mom, can we get some coffee? I was preparing dinner when my daughter walked into the kitchen and asked me to join her for a cup of coffee at her favorite refueling spot. Immediately, I stopped what I was doing, turned off the oven, grabbed my jacket while heading out the door. Over coffee, my daughter was asking for support concerning a decision she had made. She expressed that during her junior year of high school she did not want to participate on the school’s track and field team. She shared that academics were paramount to her and that her AP schedule was very demanding. She felt that track, a sport she had participated in since middle school, was too much of a distraction from her studies. She concluded that she did not have time for both. After hearing her concerns and realizing she approached this conclusion in an analytical and mature way, I blessed her decision. My daughter always wants to go out for coffee to talk about important decisions as well as to seek advice. I know when I hear the request Mom, can we get some coffee? she is asking for my undistracted time and attention. I also realize she is grappling with an issue and wants to be heard without interruption from cell phones or other family members. So, dinner was nearly 90 minutes late that evening. However, the bond between daughter and mother had never been stronger. This is my daughter’s code. Life is Peachy. My son and daughter share a code too. When the words “Life is Peachy” shows-up in a text on one another’s phone, it is a direct message that they need advice, assistance, or just a sounding board. It is only sent when there is a dire need or emergency. Like their parents, it is rarely used and always respected. Directly it means “help.” Indirectly, it communicates “I got your back.” Yes, siblings have codes too that act as lifelines for challenges as they navigate the transition from teenager to adult and beyond. My advice is simple: establish codes between yourself and the ones you love. Pay attention to them. Respect them. And act. They are amazingly powerful tools that succinctly and effectively grab your attention. Most times it is human nature to be reluctant to ask for help. However, using a “code” signals the listener that something serious is at hand and needs attention. Stopping what you are doing and silencing your cell phone tells the speaker that they are the priority. This action establishes a bond of love and trust while heading-off life’s pitfalls or even serious dangers.

Last weekend, I met with a small group of friends at a coffee shop to catch-up after the holidays. Individually we have different backgrounds, careers, and interests, but the common thread that is the conduit between us is our children. We share openly about their triumphs and setbacks. We lean on each other, craving quick-fix advice to help calm the sometimes-choppy life lessons of parenthood. I was sharing that both my son and daughter were home for the holidays and that they are each other’s best friends. They Skype with each other regularly and have a standing weekly phone call where they share life’s happenings. My daughter sees her brother as a protector, advisor, and confidant. My son leans on his younger sister to help understand a women’s perspective as it pertains to dating, vents to her knowing that she too will be honest and constructive, and knows whatever is shared stays securely with her. They have a bond that is reinforced by trust, respect, and love. As I was sipping my coffee, one of the mothers inquired how did I teach my children to “like” each other as her children constantly taunt one another and seem not to be interested in each other’s lives. I was unsettled by her admission. Furthermore, I did not have a direct, easy-to-fix solution for her. I guess I had taken for granted the sibling bond my children have with each other. This question of “How do you make siblings like each other” hi-jacked my thoughts for the next few days. Then I realized that raising my children was a direct extension of my marriage. Of course, my husband and I don’t always agree. Certainly, there are times we exchange words or views that have elevated passion. However, even though our union is far from perfect, we anchor our relationship with trust, respect, and grace. Essentially with the ebb and flow of life’s circumstances, my husband and I always have each other’s backs. This is exactly the foundation of the relationship between my son and daughter. When my daughter needed further explanation regarding a Calculus problem, my son was the first person she would consult. When my son needed an extra set of eyes to make certain a term paper was top-notch, he would seek the editorial eye of my daughter. When they experienced setbacks, they would lean on each other, providing reassurance and advice. No matter the situation or geographical distance, they watch out for each other. Just like mom and dad. Where did my son and daughter “learn” this type of sibling support? Essentially their relationship classroom is our home and their teachers are their parents. They watched how my husband and myself would resolve conflict with love and respect. They witnessed the art of the apology and the act of forgiveness. Moreover, they observed first-hand the care and focus Gene and I provide each other when we were ill or healing from an injury. The overall lesson they have learned from us is that we always had each other’s back. We sacrifice for each other. We trust one another. And we exercised the act of grace and forgiveness without keeping score or holding grudges. The lesson that I learned from this revelation is that my children, even before they could clearly communicate, were watching and learning how to build strong, successful relationships from the actions of their parents. As we taught them how to build strong relationships, some couples we know may have unconsciously taught their offspring to be self-centered, scorekeeping, grudge-holding, non-communitive one-half of a union. I know this may sound harsh. However, I am just trying to provide caution and insight into how parents affect how their children navigate relationships, either as a child or an adult. The bottom line is this: how you steer your marriage can provide amazing life lessons for your children or create emotional baggage for their future relationships. For example, if one parent demonstrates a lack of respect towards their spouse, it is likely their child will exhibit this same type of behavior towards others. Furthermore, if you and your spouse don’t effectively communicate, the likelihood of your child expressing themselves successfully is low. Take note – your children are watching. Be a positive role model and teacher for their future. For help learning to build a marriage based on Sacrifice, Trust, Respect, and Grace go to www.twoheartsinlove.com.