I have read that the act of being in a happy and loving relationship is just as important to your well-being as exercise and diet. This is especially true for men. So, in addition to physically working-out, you should consider working-out your relationship - you will live longer and be happier for it. Working on your marriage can take your relationship to a higher level of happiness and commitment. Couples that acknowledge and embrace normal stress, brought about by typical ups and downs of a marriage, can actually minimize or even alleviate tension if they come together as a team to strategize and problem-solve. Normal relationship stress might include a job change, a parent getting sick and/or dying, moving, or having a baby. Ignoring tension and difficulties can actually increase stress. Attempting to problem-solve, without including your spouse, can layer-on anxiety and resentment to an already tense situation. Working to avoid, manage, or overcome stress as a couple, will enhance and refine your communication skills providing for a foundation to withstand and overcome the burden of life changes by being more proactive and less reactive in your relationship. Moderately stressful situations, that have the potential to tear you and your partner apart, are truly lessons that teach you how to manage large and complex situations as a team while enhancing and strengthening your marriage. So how do you become a more proactive participant in your relationship? The three Ps. Practice, Practice, Practice. No that doesn’t mean quit your job to simulate the relationship pressures of life. It means that tests that occur every day provide practical training on how to embrace your spouse as a true partner. How you handle minor stressful events can provide a blueprint for managing and overcoming overwhelming life obstacles. Example: I had an issue with a server at a restaurant. My family and I were out to dinner with friends. Everything about my dining experience was unacceptable – the service was poor, the food order was late and incorrectly prepared, even the final bill was improperly tabulated. I did not make a scene about my dissatisfaction with our server at this restaurant publicly. As the manager was not available, I made my opinion known to this server in private. My wife, however, disagreed with my assessment of the service, but she chose not to challenge my approach in front of our friends at dinner. When we were alone, she asked me why I was disappointed with my meal and why I chose to counsel with the server about the situation. I expressed to my wife several very good reasons for my irritation with both the service and food at the restaurant. We discussed the event calmly as a couple and she was able to understand my anger realizing that there were issues she personally did not witness or experience. Ellen could have made a fuss about my treatment of the server in front of the entire table, but she supported me and asked me about it later. Now when a larger issue occurs, I will draw upon this example established by my wife, trusting her judgment and methods and gathering specifics later. This situation could have erupted in a public argument if my wife and I had not honed our communication skills with other life events, both good and bad. We have said many times to married couples that we were ministering, one of the most important abilities a married couple needs to have is effective communication skills. Knowing how to verbalize, listen, and comprehend one another’s circumstances, with trust and respect, can head off any of a number of misunderstandings that can cause a relationship to spiral out of control. Therefore, if you and your partner know how to communicate effectively, you and your spouse will be able to avoid, manage, and overcome life’s stresses successfully. Having a methodology in dealing with stress, and having an active partner helping you, allows for a healthier way of life, a more fulfilling marriage, and a longer life.

Your bed can be the setting where intimacy is initiated and your best conversations take place. However, it can also be the location of territorial warfare. No kidding! The first handful of months my husband and I were married, I rarely experienced a content night’s sleep where I felt (somewhat) refreshed in the morning. Then I had an epiphany. Just as we were different in other areas of our life, we had different sleeping habits. Gene is a deep sleeper that sprawls. This means although he begins his evening of slumber occupying one side of the bed, within an hour he has taken over nearly three-fourths of the entire surface of the mattress. I am therefore left with a tiny sliver, hugging the side of the bed for dear life. Furthermore, if I entertain the idea of visiting the facilities sometime during the night, I have the probability of losing “my” sliver too. In addition to being a sprawler, taking valuable sleeping real estate at will, the man I promised to love and cherish is also greedy in terms of sheets, blankets, and comforters. Our evening of sleep starts with the two of us sharing a blanket and comforter, and within an hour, the love of my life has collected almost all bedding, wrapping himself cocoon-like, and is comfortably sleeping. I, on the other hand, am left with nothing. Nil. Zip. Just me and a pillow. An hour prior I had two pillows, but he has taken one of those too whereby it is now securely clutched between his two arms, much like a child snuggling a teddy bear. The first initiative for our bedtime slumber was to get a new bed – out with the queen-size, in with the king. Now, my husband is not a small man, but he is not overly large either. And, please never refer to him as average. With the addition of a king-size bed, I figured there would be enough space for both of us. The second initiative: new bedding. Not new as in a fresh color, but new as in more! Of course, our queen-size bedding was now undersized. So, my husband and I went shopping for the perfect sheets and accouterments. Agreed upon thread count – check. Approved color and pattern – double-check. We loaded our bedding finds into the cart – sheets, pillowcases, comforter, and blanket. And yes, one more pillow. As my husband began to stroll to the check-out, I grabbed a duplicate comforter and blanket. Clever, you may be thinking – have a couple of items in the closet to swap while the originals are being laundered? Uh, no! If you see our bed, all made-up with freshly purchased slumber finery, you’ll notice something immediately. Folded at the foot of the bed, you will find the duplicate comforter and blanket. These are mine. You see, I have my very own blanket and comforter and the man I promised to cherish and love the rest of my life has his. Bliss. The lessons learned: - Size matters. - More is better. As for the extra pillow, that’s Gene’s. He requires three pillows to sleep soundly. And he deserves it. ‘Nite.

Women, we have been prewired. Essentially, we are nurturers by nature and teachers by talent. By these classifications, most of us are programmed to be mothers in heart and in mind. Is this a bad idea? Of course not! However, although your motherly intuitions are preprogrammed, you must consciously turn them off or disguise them when you are fulfilling your roles as a wife. Many times, when my husband and I would be observing how a couple communicates and relates to each other we would witness almost a parent/child relationship. > Example: Sue was angry that her husband Ben did not pay attention to her. Instead of listening, Ben did the polar opposite of her requests. “I told him to buy a cherry pie, but instead he bought coconut cream pie!” Now Sue spent the afternoon indirectly lecturing her husband about listening and asking permission. Ben, felt as though he was being treated like a toddler. > Example: Jill and her husband Jared have talked about improving their eating habits with the goal of getting healthier. When Jill spotted her husband indulging in a cookie, she lectured him for 10 minutes on making good choices. Jared felt as though he was a child being admonished by his mother. - Treating your spouse like a child, or assuming a parent/child relationship, kills the romance in your relationship. Trust that your husband is an adult and knows right from wrong and associated consequences. Instead of being a parent model for your husband, consider: - Being his cheerleader; applaud his accomplishments and overlook any missteps. - Being his best friend; listen to him, without judgment. - Being his partner; join him in helping accomplish his goals. - Being his hand-holder; Encourage trying new things while providing a no-judgment environment. - Being his lover; finding enjoyment and release with intimacy. When a husband has admitted to an affair, the question the wife always wants to be answered is: “What did SHE do for you that I did not?” The response generally revolves around the other woman did not treat him like a child, but encouraged him and listened to him. The message is obvious – don’t be a mother to your husband. This means: - Discuss decisions, do not “tell” your husband what to do. - Don’t admonish, instead applaud accomplishments (even the small ones). - Don’t be judgmental; let him know you have his back. - Take the time to enjoy each other physically. The result of this is a true partnership, where you both appreciate and lean on each other. Truly, it is bliss.

The “Why” is simple: I love people and I cherish marriages and families. My husband and I were volunteer marriage ministers for nearly seven years. We helped couples avoid, manage, and learn from the challenges that a marital union can bring. We met with couples. We listened. We advised. We walked aside couples as they navigated pitfalls of their relationship as well as celebrated their accomplishments and milestones. We quickly realized that there is a whole lot of pain combined with an overall lack of quality common sense advice available for couples to access. Furthermore, we were quick to learn that there is an element of fear present that inhibits one or both members of a relationship to reach-out for help. Being on the front lines with couples in distress, I recognize the strengths of the ministry I so lovingly volunteered for as well as the shortcomings. My husband and I would often find ourselves venting to each other regarding what the ministry is and what it could be. The statistics fueling our frustration were daunting. Essentially, couples were electing to divorce more and more. It seemed as though dissolving a legal marital contract was much easier to some than to work on and resolve issues that were suffocating their love and commitment to each other. Egos are at play. Pride is center stage. Something inside me began to stir; a mixed-bag of emotions centering on the aforementioned frustrations and the notion that the marriage ministry could be so much more. My husband called these feelings a “nudge” for change. The next day, I headed out of town to attend my son’s college graduation. It was a quiet five-hour drive, with my husband at the wheel, where I processed what my heart and head were telling me. That evening I was on my knees praying for direction. If you are familiar with The Listening Prayer, I prayed the dangerous prayer and waited. The response was almost immediate. In my mind, my instincts clearly and unquestionably confirmed my ideas, passions, and goals related to marriage. My goal was obvious: I needed to use my experience and comprehensive skill set to positively impact more lives, relationships, and families. I shared my feelings with my husband and he, too, felt the same instinctual “nudge” that I was feeling. When I returned home, I penned a letter of resignation to the ministry I dearly loved so that I could fully focus and begin planning. This blog is the first phase of my multi-stage initiative to provide quality, accessible information to all couples. It is not meant to replace professional counseling in any way. There will be additional phases, or tools, introduced that will further assist in building S-T-R-O-N-G marriages and relationships. It is my goal to positively and constructively touch as many relationships as humanly possible while encouraging love, commitment, and resilience. Remember, there are no perfect marriages or relationships. However, you can achieve harmony and bliss by learning to communicate and navigate. Twoheartsinlove.com provides foundational information regarding the “Why’s” and “How’s” in building a S-T-R-O-N-G and satisfying relationship. Every week I will contribute additional thoughts and ideas via a blog post. My husband, too, will occasionally add insights and ideas via a male perspective. Soon, there will be additional features, including a direct “Ask Me A Question” option where I will attempt to answer inquiries from readers. Open your mind and heart. Leave your ego and pride someplace else. Embrace the information and tools. And, most importantly, be committed to making a strong marriage. Welcome and let’s get started.

I want to talk about Pride. Pride is one of the “Seven Deadly Sins”. And one could argue that it is the deadliest of the sins. Pride is defined as “the putting of one's own desires, urges, wants, and whims before the welfare of other people.” The dictionary defines it as “a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” Everyone has to have some pride. Otherwise, nothing would get completed. Example: I wouldn’t have gone to college to get my engineering degree if I did not have pride in my ability to learn the math and physics I needed to earn my degree. Example: If I did not have pride, I may have not gone to college saying to myself that I was not good enough to be an engineer. Others wouldn’t have invented the iPhone or microwave if they hadn’t had some pride that they could take a scientific process and make it for everyone to use. You have to have some pride. But it is when this pride is inordinate. That I am a very important person with a very high opinion of myself. This is where pride can become dangerous. A prideful person cannot make a mistake in their opinion. If a mistake is made, it must be someone else’s mistake because I could not have made the mistake. And let’s face it. Everyone makes mistakes. There is no perfect person. We make mistakes and we have to be humble about it. But in your personal relationships, pride can be very hurtful. When I make a mistake, and my wife calls me on it, I should be that humble person and admit my mistake and live with the consequences. But sometimes, I cannot admit my mistake. After all, I am the greatest engineer in the world (pound my chest). But I do make mistakes and I can’t admit to the mistake I made. I put my own wants and needs in front of my wife’s wants and needs. I want to be the king of the house and what I say is the truth. But sometimes I fail and I don’t want anyone to know, least of all my own wife. And I honestly don’t even know I am being prideful. Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and if I could recognize it, I would stop it because I know my pride leads to a lot of arguments with my wife. Who hasn’t had the argument about being lost while driving and saying, “I am not lost”, even though I haven’t a clue where I am. Pride can stop you from doing things because you don’t want people to see you fail. I have always said that I learn more from failure than I could ever learn in school. When pride gets in the way of a relationship, there is no winner. Prideful behavior means that you see yourself as superior to another person and that you are the winner and they are the loser. If you are prideful, you are never wrong. That you have to “win” the argument. That you are so prideful, you just won’t play the game because then you can never lose. Like giving the silent treatment to your partner. A good healthy relationship is built on trust. Your partner will trust you when you show your humility, your vulnerability. If you are open about your weaknesses with your partner. And accepted your weaknesses. Then your partner will trust you more because they will realize you are not that perfect person. I am reminded of Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”