Speaker/Listener/Resolution Method
The Speaker / Listener / Resolution Method is an effective technique of communication when a couple is in conflict. This method of communication is used in tandem with Communication Rules.
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a The Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method allows both participants in the discussion to have uninterrupted time to express concerns.
a The Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method necessitates the Listener to paraphrase what the speaker is trying to say to ensure that the Listener is hearing the speaker correctly.
a The Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method is always done face-to-face so that eye contact is present and the senses of hearing, seeing, and touch are represented.
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Here’s how successful The Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method is successfully initiated:
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Each person takes a turn speaking. The partner with the concern or anger usually goes first.​ The person speaking has the “floor” and this is typically symbolized by holding an agreed-upon object such as a pillow, pen, or empty coffee mug.
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After the speaker has succinctly stated their concerns, the Listener then has the “floor” and holds the agreed-upon object. The Listener then repeats or paraphrases what the Speaker just communicated – “What you’re saying is…”. The Listener then asks the question “Is this correct? Or did I hear this right?”
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If the Listener did not understand the Speaker’s concerns correctly, the Speaker tries again restating their message, perhaps using different words or examples.
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Solutions are not the focus of this method, but if understanding is achieved the discussion can move-on to problem-solving – again utilizing The Speaker / Listener Method.
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a The Listener NEVER interrupts the Speaker.
a The Listener NEVER rebuts the Speaker.
a The Speaker communicates in short, thoughtful, and well-organized thoughts.
a Don’t attempt to read your partner’s mind or put words in their mouth.
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Let’s put the Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method into action! Remember Pam, her husband Sam, and their son Chase? Let me refresh your memory.
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m Example: Pam had something on her mind. She wanted to talk with Sam, her husband, about a suspicion she had regarding their 7-year-old son, Chase. Sam was reading the Sunday newspaper when Pam initiated a conversation about having Chase tested for a learning disability. Sam’s eyes never left the newspaper and she was acknowledged by “uh-huh” and an occasional “tsk” and “he’s just fine.” When the conversation ended, Sam continued to read his paper. Nothing was resolved. In fact, Pam left the room frustrated as she felt unheard and not respected.
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Now, let’s revisit Pam and Sam after they have learned the Speak / Listener/ Resolution Method while respecting the Rules of Communication.
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Pam prompted Sam stating “Are you busy” “I have something on my mind.” With that statement, Sam folded-up the newspaper he was reading and placed it aside. Pam grasped an empty coffee mug, signaling she had the “floor.”
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​Pam: “I am worried about our son, Chase. His reading grades are continually declining with no signs of improvement. He seems frustrated with school.
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Pam hands the mug to Sam, signaling he has the “floor.”
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Sam: “You are telling me Chase doesn’t like school?”
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Sam hands the mug back to Pam, who now has the “floor.”
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Pam: “No. I think Chase is struggling with reading.”
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Pam hands the mug to Sam, signaling he has the “floor.”
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Sam: “So, you think Chase is having difficulties with reading?”
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Pam: “Yes.”
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Transition to problem-solving.
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Sam: “Do you have any ideas that may help our son?”
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Pam: “If I make an appointment with his teacher tomorrow after school, do you think you can attend with me?”
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Sam: “I’ll make it a priority.”
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a Pam and Sam had a calm, focused, and succinct conversation that ended with a plan.
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Speaker / Listener/ Resolution Method takes practice. If both partners respect the Communication Rules, while mastering this method, success will come quickly. However, you must be committed to the method. Many couples find early success when they get the hang of it, yet abandon it reverting back to failed habits.
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Below are Speaker Listener/ Resolution Review Cards that will help you get comfortable with the method and keep you on point. Print them out storing copies in your purse/wallet, in the visor of your car, and in a convenient spot in your home. When you find a need to have a difficult conversation, pull them out and use them as a “road map” to a respectful and effective discussion.
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Practice. Practice. Practice!