Grace / Forgiveness
Grace
Although each component of a S-T-R-O-N-G marriage is critical, without the presence of Grace in a relationship, any relationship, the balance – Sacrifice, Trust, Respect, Organize, Never Lose the Romance – are useless or ineffective. In the simplest definition, Grace is undeserved favor. Albeit “Grace” is theoretically a Biblical term, I will be referring to it as between two people, not necessarily God.
Grace is a gift with no strings.
Grace is something you freely receive.
No person is perfect. We all make mistakes, large and small. Grace is an action or gift, extended to the wrong-doer, to allow a relationship to move on. Essentially, the action and acceptance of grace indicate to both individuals in the relationship that something hurtful or unacceptable has happened and we are going to move on as though it did not occur. It's as though the couple pressed a Re-do button.
Without extending “Grace” resentment can build and the relationship can get stuck.
“Grace” is not:
Grace is not a safety net for carelessness.
Grace is not an excuse to be hastily impulsive.
Grace is not a defense to repeat bad, thoughtless behaviors.
Misconceptions regarding Grace:
Is there an offense that does not deserve grace? Yes, if an offense is consistently repeated. Forgiveness may apply instead.
Is there an offense that does not deserve forgiveness? No.
Is grace always deserved? No.
Is grace always immediate? Usually, Grace is extended fairly immediately but can take time too.
Does grace justify bad behavior? No.
Remember, the act of giving /receiving grace to another centers on moving a situation or relationship forward.
Example: My husband did not communicate to me that he had late meetings at the office. So, my planned and expertly prepared dinner dried-out to where it became inedible making the entire meal a waste of time, food, and money. Upon his arrival home, my husband quickly realized, by the lack of smile on my face and the smell of dry pot roast in the air, that he forgot to inform me of his schedule.
I was angry.
I could have held a grudge ruining the remainder of the evening.
Instead, I said “Yeah, I know you get busy and can forget, but next time can you make it a priority and send me a quick text of your schedule change?” Make certain your tone is not accusatory. Stuff happens.
Hopefully he apologizes whereby you extend him grace.
You make some popcorn and enjoy the rest of the evening.
The next day, say midafternoon, you shoot him a quick text – “Running on time today?” This is a wink and a prompt for communication.
Example: Your husband forgets your birthday! Oh, this is big. Also, this includes dissing Romance and Respect. Yet, it still deserves grace.
It’s Okay to say you are hurt and disappointed. (See Communication button below)
You need to calmly communicate to your spouse how you feel.
Give your spouse an opportunity to correct the situation. “Let’s press the Re-do Button this weekend.”
Make certain your birthday is present in his phone calendar with a reminder a week prior.
Forgiveness
What is the difference between Grace and Forgiveness?
Essentially, the difference between Grace and Forgiveness is that with the latter, there are consequences.
Without Forgiveness in a relationship, the offended or victim will remain stuck, surrounded by anger and frustration.
Allowing Forgiveness enables the victim to move on with life, no matter what direction they choose.
Forgiveness requires consequences, grace does not.
Remember, Forgiveness is about the victim.
You may be asking yourself – By extending Forgiveness to someone, why is the victim burdened with all the work of the relationship? Simply, they aren’t. The natural progression of Forgiveness is the art of the apology (see Art of Apology button below). And yes, apologizing effectively whereby healing and personal growth can occur, is a refined and elegant skill.
Example: Joan was beyond angry with her husband, John. Earlier in the day, Joan received a call from the bank and she was informed that several of her checks had bounced due to “insufficient funds.” After confronting her husband, Joan found out that John had withdrawn $1000 from their joint checking account and went to the local casino whereby he lost the entire amount. After much discussion, three actions transpired:
Joan extended forgiveness to John as this behavior had never happened before.
John apologizes acknowledging his wrong-doing (see Art of Apology button below)
John agreed to get a second job to make-up for the lost money (consequence).
John agreed to attend counseling to head-off, acknowledge, or address a potential gambling addiction (consequence).
However, what if John does not agree to consequences and does not acknowledge that his actions were wrong and damaging? Then Joan has some decisions to make. However, she should still forgive John to unburden herself from continual pain, frustration, and anger. BUT, Joan needs to decide if the relationship with John should continue as he is unwilling to accept the responsibilities for his actions. Consulting a family/couple’s therapist would be a natural next step to further explore growth and remedy opportunities for this marital impasse. However, if one partner is unwilling to participate in professional therapy, the other partner should participate anyway to gain further clarity of the situation. Remember, Forgiveness revolves around the victim, not the offender. There will be times when Forgiveness is extended, but not deserved. This is an action whereby the victim can transition from pain and anger to healing.
Here’s the main take-aways regarding Grace and Forgiveness:
Without Grace in your relationship, both individuals will be constantly consumed with frustration and anger with each other’s mistakes and missteps.
Grace has no strings or consequences. It’s as though the event never happened.
Forgiveness has consequences.
Forgiving someone does not absolve the offender of something they have done or make it right.
Forgiveness focuses on unburdening the victim so healing can begin.
Forgiveness takes time.
Some people think of the differences this way:
Grace is for the unintentional, typical missteps and mistakes common in most relationships.
Forgiveness is a remedy for acts that may have long-lasting potential damage to a relationship. Forgiveness has consequences for the offender.
Forgiveness is a process.
All relationships, including marriage, have peaks and valleys. The tool of Grace is a gift, from one to another, that acknowledges we are not perfect. Forgiveness is a process that moves a couple forward after damaging and hurtful behaviors. Forgiveness helps to alleviate anger and emotional pain for the offended, while establishing boundaries that determine if a relationship will grow or be at an impasse.